Friday, November 12, 2010


As we work our way through the mental health maze we were told yesterday that a competency hearing will be held probably next Tuesday.  Of course my brother knows none of this and I can only imagine how he will react.  Yesterday he had a meltdown and believed that he was in the hospital because we accused him of being racist.  Now that tells me he's still out of it.  I talked to him last night and he had calmed down and stated he was willing to stay "one more day".  After the hearing on Tuesday he will be transferred to the state mental hospital which fortunately is here in town.  At least there he will begin receiving treatment.

I had my own Ahhh Ha moment yesterday.  For the past 40 years I've struggled with resentment toward my brother and the guilt associated with having those feelings.  In one moment of clarity I realized I resent his disease and not him.  By being able to separate the two it allows me to feel the anger and the resentment without feeling the guilt.  I do hate his disease and I hate what mental illness does to a family but I love my brother with all my heart!  He is a good and kind man who loves people deeply.  He's so tender hearted that he never speaks to anyone without saying, "Well, Bless Your Heart".   I needed to realize that I can hate his disease and love him at the same time.


kenju said...

That is an important insight and I can see how that will help your feeling guilty. Good for you! I hope the hearing goes well, so that he can get treatment.

Olga said...

You certainly have a plate full and then some these days. That was a most important insight. Feeling guilty is usually not a productive use of emotion.
It is incredible to me that treatment and other mental health services is so difficult. It is just not right.

marciamayo said...

You do, indeed, have a lot going on. Hold on your own mental health.

Arkansas Patti said...

That is a wonderful way to separate just what to love and what to hate and to abolish guilt. Amazingly simple yet brilliant.
I will try to remember.
I hope he gets the help he needs for both your sakes.