Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A New Day

I don't know what finally clicked in my head but I have finally accepted the fact that all of this is out of my control.  Sounds weird since obviously I do not have power over cancer or schizophrenia but I guess somewhere in the back of my egocentric mind I thought I did!  Understanding oneself isn't an easy undertaking but I think it is important in order to understand the way we think and react.  

I grew up with mental illness.  My mother had several breakdowns during my life and at an early age I developed this feeling that as long as I was near her I could somehow make her happy.  She suffered from chronic depression and anxiety and I guess I thought my mere presence could somehow make that go away.  (I started building my ego early)  So anyway, that's how it began, this intense need to take care of everyone who crosses my path.

Schizophrenia is an entirely different world than depression and anxiety although they are certainly part of the component.  But, when you throw in a little paranoia mixed with delusions and hallucinations it becomes even bigger.  And when you have never known anything else it isn't always easy to recognize the signs that things are getting out of control.  This past month I missed all the signs with my brother, not that I could have prevented anything. I felt so much despair because I remember promising my mother as I held her and just before she took her last breath that my brother would be OK and that I would take care of him.  

I have to let go of all of that now.  I have to finally realize that I can't "fix" everything or take care of everyone.  We learned that Mike hurt 3 people yesterday, the aides that were trying to get him into his room and he strangled one of the aides and nearly castrated another one.  Of course he didn't know what he was doing but I finally accept the fact that I can't help him.  I have to let it go and stop feeling guilty for something neither he or I can help.  We didn't either of us ask for this.

We are waiting to receive information about today's hearing and if he is being transferred today to the state mental hospital.  I hope to know more by the end of the day.


Judy said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and a cup of tea. Please know that all of us out here have you in our thoughts!

oklhdan said...

Thank you Judy.....I appreciate it very much!

marciamayo said...

Dani, I'm wondering if Mike's aggression is actually a good thing right now, although not for the people he hurt. The last thing he or you need right now is for him to be sent back home or to your house. He needs to be in a place where he can be safe and helped. Your home isn't that place and you are in no shape to be the person to take care of him. It's probably happening the way it should at this point.

Olga said...

I really can understand. My mother suffered from schizophrenia and I have a son who is clinically depressed. I have learned the hard way that I need to take care of myself. I encourage you to keep making that choice.

Arkansas Patti said...

I feel so much for all of you. Poor Mike, only he knows what causes him to stike out,be it fear or anger.
This is beyond your control and I am so glad you realize that. I pray they can keep him safe and can give him some peace from those feelings that drive him. Pray you also find some peace.