When the Big C comes to call!

Well, I have finally started to come down from shock and able to stop shaking long enough to type.  This past Tuesday I went in for another bronchoscopy to "wash" my lungs.  Just as last year everything was sent to the pathologist.  He also wanted a culture done as well.  It all went smoothly but not something I'd want to do every day.  Then on Thursday my doctor called to tell me I had a bacterial infection in my right lung that was a surprise to him.  He said it is one that is usually found in people with suppressed immune systems.  Then he said the pathologist had just called him to say cancer cells were found in the upper lobe of my left lung.  Also a shock to him as well as myself.  I had just had a CT scan two weeks ago and not only did it look good there was barely any evidence of bronchitis.  It was referred to as "mild" bronchitis.  But now cancer!

To say that my mind has been racing is putting it lightly.  Being that I'm a person who needs to plan for every possible scenario in life this scenario is one I don't know how to plan for or at least not yet.   Of course my first concern was my brother.  I don't want to tell him but don't know if it will be possible to hide it from him.  Either way it won't go well.  He could easily have a psychotic episode.  One side of me says do it now while I have the ability to make decisions and help him.  The other side of me isn't ready for it.  I'm terrified for him.

My older brother is now completely out of the picture.  About 2 months ago I received a letter from him telling me he is no longer a member of our family.  He accused me of talking bad about his wife.  It was strange and completely out of  nowhere.  He told me to not contact him in any way or he'd take legal action.  The last contact I've had is the Christmas card I sent in December.  I had tried to call him after his heart surgery.  I talked to his wife maybe twice and Ron took a wheelchair to them.  After that I called two or three times and left messages and no one ever returned my call.  That was last April.  I admit I stopped trying.  I also learned he sent the same letter to both of his daughters.

Fortunately he didn't cut contact off with Mike.  I haven't even told Mike anything about the letter.  Mike still calls his brother every day but usually has to leave a message.  Butch calls eventually but its taking longer and longer.  I'm afraid he may be cutting Mike off as well and that will shatter Mike.  Especially now when he learns about my cancer.  He will panic and worry that he will have no one.  He's always turned to our brother especially when he is frightened.  It's all very sad.

The next step in my journey is a PET scan March 12th.  See the doctor March 19th for the results and get his input as to where we go from here.  In the meantime I'm trying to go on as usual but I can say it is requiring a minute by minute decision to do so.  Control is a hard thing to lose.  Especially when you have always been the caregiver to others.  I take care of them not the other way around.  I'm still trying to take care of them first.  I want to take care of Mike, Ron and my daughters.  When I told the girls I just said I'm sorry over and over.  I'm sorry for the pain this is causing them.  I'm sorry that it could take me from them.  I'm just very sorry!