In the blink of an eye

I don't know where to start but at the beginning.  I had the PT scan on Tuesday and everything went well except finding a vein which took 30 minutes and then realizing I had my shirt on inside out.  But besides those set backs there was nothing to it.

Yesterday I met with the oncologist fully expecting to hear what our next plan of treatment would be.  Instead while entering the exam room she was saying, "I think I have good news for you." Her next words were, "You do not have cancer."  At this point I was both elated and confused.  She explained that because of the bronchitis I have had for 3 years it has begun to affect the cells in my lung making them misshapen and "atypical".  They look like cancer cells but that are not cancerous.  That is why the pathologist interpreted them as cancer cells.  Her recommendation is that I have regular CAT scans and continue to be followed.  She said because of the prolonged infection I could develop cancer but it may never happen.  Just reason to stay vigilant.

Now don't get me wrong I was thrilled but my reaction was to cry.  Not for myself because I had come to terms with the idea of having cancer.  I wanted to cry because I realized how blessed I was but there were so many people who would not be hearing the good news I had just heard.  I guess I felt guilty.  I just couldn't grasp why I would be so lucky and others not.

I came home utterly exhausted and went to bed at 8:00 p.m. and slept straight through to 8:30 a.m.  More sleep than I've had since I can't remember when.  I'm still trying to interpret lessons I'm learning from all of this and trying to make sense of it all.  I've already been able to have a long talk with an old friend who has helped me a great deal.  It is just that we are never "finished" in our quest for understanding.  There is no end point in all of this.  This human experience is just one lesson after another.  Some we get and others may never even be recognized.  All I know is that I've got more to do.