Satisfying Saturday

Had a lovely day in spite of the wind with my daughter Jamie.  We had lunch downtown and went to some vintage malls.  We each found some things we have been looking for to complete our farmhouse decorating themes.  Mike called me about 4 times while we were out.  He has had some paranoid idea that the police want to take him to jail.  I asked him why they would want to do that and he came up with some idea about when he worked with my dad in his pawn shop.  They sold guns and somehow Mike now thinks that is why they want to put him in jail.  I tried my best to explain and #1 my dad had a license to sell guns and it was 50 years ago and none of it has anything to do with Mike.  But that wasn't good enough..... he is obsessing about it and no amount of reasoning will shake him out of it.  Sure makes it hard to just enjoy doing anything.  Seems like I'm always balancing a phone on my shoulder talking him off a ledge.  If you ever saw the movie "Love Actually" you know just what I'm talking about.

I told Jamie about my lack of a bucket list and she asked if there wasn't somewhere I always wanted to visit.  The only place that came to mind was Astoria Oregon and she said, "Then you should go there."  I told her that I wouldn't want to go unless we could all go because I really don't enjoy things without them.  So after some further discussion I told her I'd always wanted to see a Broadway play in New York.  She suggested that she, her sister and I plan to go to Boston so I can meet my 20 + year pen pal and then ride the train to New York to see a Broadway play and fly back home from there.  Poor Ron would have to stay behind to take care of Mike.  I have to admit that a trip isn't something that I just have to do but I'd do it for the girls.  We have some memories attached to Boston because it is the only trip we ever took together.   They were still in college at the time and we had an absolutely wonderful time.  It would be nice to recreate that trip.  Jamie wants to plan the trip while I'm in treatment as something to look forward to when it is done.  I told her I also need time to recover and to grow some hair!

I also told her I having been thinking about Piper.  I don't want her to be scared of me if I lose my hair.  I suggested they talk with James and Miranda (Piper's parents) about how they think the best way of preparing Piper.  We even tossed around the idea of having her help shave my head when the time comes.  That way it won't be a shock to her.  Jamie suggested we get her a doctor kit so she can "help take care of me".  Since my girls are both early childhood educators I know they will research the best way to prepare a little one for such things.

For some reason I woke up this morning about 4:14 am and couldn't go back to sleep.  So it's been a long day and I plan to get to bed in a few.  I took an anxiety pill before I went to bed and slept hard until 4:14.  Unfortunately I didn't go to sleep until about 11:45.  So not much sleep in total.  
 
My anxiety comes in waves.  I'm fine for awhile and then this fear just comes waving over me.  I feel my insides shaking and then my hands start trembling.  I don't know from where it comes or when it's coming.  I just have to ride through the it.

One thing I know about life is that all things are temporary.  Life itself is temporary.  But somehow we humans have an unspoken sense of immortality.  We simply cannot imagine "Not Being".  It's a concept we can't possibly comprehend.  It speaks to our rather egocentric nature.  We wonder just how  the world could possibly function without us. But it will as it does with every human loss.  These are things I think about alone in the dark at 4:00 am.

Tomorrow I have to prepare my brother's meals for the week.  I usually do that on Saturday but I wanted to spend the day with Jamie today so I put it off.  I still have to go to the store before I get started on the meals.  Tomorrow will be busy with church and then meal prep.  I guess I'd better get to bed ASAP.