Keeping Pace

Don't know where the time has gone but again life just gets in the way at times.

Mike had to wear a heart monitor for a couple of days and the result was that his heart rate drops significantly during the night and daytime hours.  During the day it drops as low as 28.  Hence he is scheduled for a pacemaker July 8th.  He knows about it but not the date as of yet.  We will keep that information from him until the 7th.  Less time for him to become anxious.  He's anxious enough just knowing about it.  He imagines all kind of restrictions which are few.  He can only raise his arms less than 90 degrees for a couple of weeks. That's it!  But he thinks he can't shower among other imaginary restrictions.  But hey, that's the way the ball rolls for now.  The cardiologist said that otherwise he is in excellent health and could easily live another 20 years with a pacemaker.

Now you'd think my reaction to that news would be one of elation.  But like so many caregivers the fear is always that a caregiver will not outlive their dependent.  I hate to admit but a part of me thought why do this?  Let him slip away one night in his sleep.  But of course that was a fleeting thought brought about from constant worry about what his future looks like.  So we will proceed!

Right after we saw the cardiologist Mike said, "I can just come live with you and Ron."  I said "no".  So hard to say that but I know it would never work out.  My lifespan would be cut in half.  He then said, "That's ok, Ron will just move in with me and take care of me."  Again, I said "no".  Then he asked if I resent him.  I said, "Sometimes...I resent your illness.  But I love you." 

These conversations are so hard.  I want to be honest with him while protecting him at the same time.  Not always easy.  The uncertainty of our healthcare system and lack of help for the aging, mental health and healthcare in general makes the future just unpredictable.  I really am living my life one day at a time.  I can't plan any further that the next minute.