I hope you dance

My best friend Pam took her life 7 years ago next month. She was only 45 years old. I remember the Sunday morning I received a call from another friend telling me how sorry she was about Pam's suicide. I remember thinking she had the wrong person or there had been some terrible mix-up because I knew that was something Pam would never do. Why would she? She was a mother who loved her child more than life itself. She had a husband who loved her and had been her best friend since she was a teenager. She was always involved in every aspect of her daughter's life and had just become the secretary/treasurer for her sorority. Hadn't she just called me the week before to tell me she was going back to school for her degree. She was so excited that her employer was going to pay her tuition. Now, someone was trying to tell me that she got up on a Sunday morning and went to her back porch leaving her husband asleep in their bed. She put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger. I couldn't comprehend what was being said, I couldn't believe it.

Christmas never comes anymore that I don't think of my friend. I have replayed our last conversation over and over. What did I miss? How did she hide her pain? What was she thinking and why didn't she reach out to someone? It took me several years to realize that I will never have answers to those questions. I can't help but think of her daughter and how she wasn't there to see her walk down the aisle. How she will not be there when her first grandchild is born.

This was the song played at her funeral. I had heard it many times before her death but the words have such a different meaning to me now.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance


Here's to you my friend...I hope you are dancing!