The Wonderful World of Schizophrenia

I don't even know where to begin....I am exhausted both physically and mentally. 

On Sunday morning I had a very confusing voice message on my phone.  It was around 8:30 am and I was just relaxing and reading and enjoying my extra hour of leisure when I decided to check my messages.  It was from my brother Mike and it made absolutely no sense what-so-ever.  My alarm went off in my head and I immediately called his house but got no answer.  I thought maybe he had gone out to get breakfast, which he does every morning, so I waited about an hour and called again, no answer.  I called Ron and he came to get me and we drove over to Mike's house.  I saw that the front storm door was open and so was the front door so my first thought was that he had been somewhere but had returned.  Then I saw my brother lying on the porch half in the house and half out.  He started screaming the minute I called out to him.  He was naked and psychotic and I have no idea how long he had been there.  He didn't know where he was but he knew who we were.  Ron covered him with a blanket and I called 911.  He was then transported to the hospital where after an examination they determined he wasn't physically hurt.  Since he had been admitted less than 30 days ago they have a rule he couldn't be admitted on the psych. unit again within 30 days.  I had no idea what we were going to do if they released him to us.

We got to the hospital by 10:45 am and by mid-afternoon he was still in the ER under restraint.   We were finally told they were going to admit him and that I needed to go get his clothes.  Ron and I left and by the time we returned Mike had become combative and evidently squeezed a nurse's hand too hard and wouldn't let her go.  At some point he told the doctor he was going to cut his wrists.  The doctor said that was all he needed to hear.

About 4:30 they wanted to get him dressed but Mike became combative again.  They asked everyone to leave the room except me because they decided he responded better to me.  I was able to coax him to get dressed and then they got him in a wheelchair.  I was thinking he was being taken to the psych. unit upstairs but instead in walked a uniformed police officer.  The hospital had said nothing to us and the next thing I knew he was wheeled outside to a patrol car.  That's when Mike freaked out and was frightened, refusing to get in the car.  The officer was being verbally tough toward him and then called for assistance on his radio.  Next thing there is another patrol unit, lights and siren, going 90 mph into the parking lot.  Well, if you were not psychotic that would certainly push anyone over the edge.  Mike started screaming and calling my name because he thought the car was going to hit me.  Then another unit came and 3 officers told us to walk away that they would handle it.  

I had to go behind a wall because I couldn't stand watching all this.  I heard Mike screaming for me and then our mom and dad.  It was horrible.  

Finally they got him hand-cuffed and into the car and just drove away with him.  We had to chase down one of the officers just to find out where they were taking him.  We found out they were taking him to a Behavioral facility on the mental hospital grounds.  It is just a holding facility until the person is no longer a suicide risk.  No treatment mind you.  He will probably only be there 3 days and then released to us.   I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do.  I just want some kind of mental health services for him.  I'm not sure he can live alone and our mental health system is basically non-existent.  Families are supposed to take care of their mentally ill family members but that isn't always possible.  We've been doing it for over 40 years but he's way too strong and when psychotic way too dangerous for me to handle.

I spent all day yesterday just trying to repair the house and get it cleaned up.  I think we are in for a long battle right now.  I don't know what I would have done if it hadn't been for Ron's emotional support.

So, God, The Universe, If you are trying to get my attention.....you have it.....if you are trying to tell my I'm not in control of anything....I get that too.......I'm listening so can you back off just a little?

The Ocean View

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band
was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Last night Ron finally called his daughter and told her about the cancer relapse.  He didn't say much but did say that she seemed to handle it very matter-of-factly.  He wondered if he should have waited until after his next PET scan to tell her but I just said that at least she will not be shocked no matter what comes next.  Bless his heart....this is so hard for him.

I'm looking forward to the weekend.  I have no special plans but since every day is special I guess I don't need a plan. 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Last night Ron and I were on a quest.  We went in search of a CD by the late Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.  Yesterday I heard his song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World".  I had heard it before and it is beautiful!  I'm happy to report I found it on Amazon and it is on its way as we speak!  I haven't told Ron I found it so it may just be an early Christmas surprise!

A fun memory I have is of my mother.  When she was in the hospital I would sit by her bed and sing songs.  She was so hard of hearing she really couldn't listen to the tv but she could hear me if I sang in her ear.  We would sing all kinds of songs but one that I really love is "What A Wonderful World".  I memorized the words so I could sing it to her.  Evidently I wore out the song's welcome as one night she tactfully asked me not to sing it anymore.  I don't know if she was tired of the song or just my rendition of it.  I still get tickled when I remember that.


Ron has Veteran's Day off so I arranged to be off as well.  I wish it were on a Friday so we could have a long weekend and maybe take a short trip but it will be great to have the day.  There are so many things we are wanting to do but time is the enemy.  Ron says we are just putting the icing on our cake!  I like that!  It's a fantastic cake!

I wish everyone could remember to live in the moment!

I'm learning something new every day.  It's amazing how you figure out what your priorities are when you know that your time with someone may be short.  Yet, shouldn't we be able to realize that we only have a finite number of days with each other without a doctor telling us?  Ron and I are closer than we have ever been and I have always thought we were very close.  We have always told each other we love one another every day.  He shows his affection in so many ways.  In the 10 years we've been together I have never opened a door for myself.  He has always taken my hand when we walk and always positions himself on the outside to make sure I am protected from harm.  He is a gentleman through and through.  I have never heard him say a curse word (wish I could say the same about myself).  There are not enough hours in the day for me to tell him how he has touched my life.  I can close my eyes and still see the 6 year old little boy I met in first grade, just as shy and just as sweet.

It's all the little things that make you appreciate someone and how they show their love for you.  I was divorced at the age of 28 and never remarried.  I was so accustomed to doing everything for myself.  I never imagined having someone come along at the age of 51 who would spoil me to death and that I would actually allow him to do it.  Now, I can't imagine life without him and would give anything to never find out. 

Everly Brothers said it so well.......

         Devoted to You
Darlin’ you can count on me
Till the sun dries up the sea
Until then I’ll always be devoted to you

I’ll be yours through endless time
I’ll adore your charms sublime
Guess by now you know that I’m devoted to you

I’ll never hurt you, I’ll never lie
I’ll never be untrue
I’ll never give you reason to cry
I’d be unhappy if you were blue

Through the years my love will grow
Like a river it will flow
It can’t die because I’m so devoted to you

I’ll never hurt you, I’ll never lie
I’ll never be untrue
I’ll never give you reason to cry
I’d be unhappy if you were blue

Through the years my love will grow
Like a river it will flow
It can’t die because I’m so devoted to you

The Waiting Game

Well, I can't say that we learned anything new yesterday from the doctor.  The PET scan showed that the 3 places in Ron's lung had not changed.  He said they were nonmetabolic (which according to the doctor) was a good thing.  The tumor on the aeortic artery had not changed either but it is metabolic.  The radiologist believes the spots in his lung are cancer but that they weren't large enough at this time to show up on the PET scan.  So the doctor said, let's wait 3 more months and do the test again.  If there is no change in the lung at that time he will do surgery to remove the tumor on the artery.  If there is change then he will recommend chemotherapy.  He said he doesn't want to put Ron through surgery unnecessarily if the cancer has indeed spread to the lung.   I had a lot of questions but I was sworn to silence by Ron.  He made me promise to just sit and be quiet so I did as asked.  So, for now I'm taking the 3 months and being grateful that Ron is still feeling good and we know we have 3 months.  Count every blessing!

It was a weekend of nervous anticipation, fear like I've never known, reflection, and love.  I am learning something about myself every day as I go through this journey along side Ron.  

The first thing that became apparent is that there isn't a material posession in this world that really matters in the overall scheme of things.  When faced with end of life issues you realize that we all become stripped naked of everything that is of this world.  We are as naked as the day we were born.  It all comes down to what and who we are on the inside.  It is about the love we have given and the love we have received.  That is what we take with us, the only thing .