Frustration & pity parties

Frustration overtook me yesterday and try as I might I hit my limit with my brother.  No matter how hard I tried to explain how to take a shower without getting water in your eyes the poor guy just didn't get it.  I kept asking myself how hard of a concept is "just turn around"...keep the water at your back!  My Lord he just kept making it harder than it needed to be and my dam burst.  He had decided that he wanted Ron or I standing outside the bathroom every time he showers.  It was just too much.  The more we do for him the more he demands.  I told him he needs to be as independent as he can be and that when we reach the point that Ron and I have to bathe him then other arrangements need to be made.  (As if "other arrangements" will even be an option.

Finally after tears from both sides I convinced him to go to bed.  That all would look better tomorrow.  And sure enough today he is better.  Even took a shower by himself (wearing goggles) but whatever works!  

Our lives are completely consumed by my brother's needs.  We can't go anywhere or do anything without constant phone calls.  I'm not resentful but I'm very tired.  When he is hateful or demanding I just want to thunk him on the head.  I have to constantly remind myself that he is functioning at a very self-centered 9 year old level.  

Without Ron this would all be impossible.  There is absolutely no way that I could do this by myself.  Between preparing his meals and keeping track of his meds and doctor appointments that by itself would overwhelm me.  I will say that being so focused on Mike sure keeps me from focusing on my own health issues.  

Last night I got to thinking about my feet....they are completely numb up past the ankle.  Worse on right foot.  I feel some nerve discomfort, I wouldn't call it pain.  My right foot and leg swell and turn red.  I have no idea if this is related to my diabetes but my fear is that it may be.  My blood sugar is well controlled.  Fasting this morning was 90 and has remained low all day as usual.   But none of this kept me from worrying a little last night.  I would definitely like to keep both my feet until I die of some other affliction.  But while I was completely filling up on self-pity I started thinking about my friend Maria. 

She was 19 and standing by her prized Mustang car when she was hit by a semi and both legs were severed on the spot.  She survived with the loss of both legs and a crushed pelvis.  Her right leg was severed at the hip and her left below the knee.  She's considered a bilateral amputee.  When she awoke in the hospital her first words were, and in this order...."How's my car and Will I be able to have children?"  The car was totaled but she went on to  marry and have 2 children.  Both things the average person would have thought impossible.  She also became an Occupational Therapist and I can't think of anything she can't do with the exception of bowling...  She's a certified scuba instructor, a therapist, a wife, mother and soon to be grandmother.  I've never heard her complain.  The only thing that gets to her are people who question whether she deserves a handicap parking sticker. 

So I decided to squash my pity party and went to sleep instead!