Ron and Mike

Life has certainly changed lately.  Mike is doing so much better and has regained so much of his independence.  I'm thrilled by his success and it's getting easier to relax about him.  At first I had this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to fall.  For 18 months his condition would change frequently.  Or as he would describe himself, "I'm turning on a dime."  One day he would seem somewhat "normal" and the next totally delusional.  I couldn't keep up with my own thoughts let alone his.  But in the last two months he has stabilized considerably.  He doesn't call me 40 times a day and when he does he is very lucid and more like his old self.  He actually shows interest in things outside himself.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm actually having to adjust to all this change.  For the past 18 months I've been almost complete consumed by Mike's mental illness.  I had absolutely no time to think about myself or anything else.  Our lives revolved around Mike. 

Now that that I have time I realize this has taken a toll on me physically and mentally.  The physical toll is definitely the greatest.  I didn't have time to even realize how much pain I've been in for awhile. This past year my back has deteriorated as well as my hip joint.  There are days I can barely walk.  Why didn't I notice before?  I've also developed asthma.  I feel like the wreck of the Hesperus.


I'm so scared about Ron's next CT scan.  I'm worried about the spots in his lungs and whether the cancer has spread to his remaining kidney.  I don't know what will come next?  It seems that something changes every 12 months.  He has had two surgeries since his initial diagnosis.  A year ago this month he had surgery to remove the remaining cancer at the original kidney site.  Now there is concern that it has spread to his remaining kidney.  I think this is the most scared I've been since he was diagnosed with kidney cancer.  


We will celebrate our first anniversary as a married couple next month.  I'm glad our anniversary comes before the CT scan.  It's just psychological but I just want to have that day for us.  Ignorance is bliss and I want a little bliss.