My mind today is a bit combobbled with the stresses of dealing with family members and mental illness.  I have accepted the struggles associated with a schizophrenic brother.  A brother who has tested every nerve in my body at least once over the past 40 years.  I have celebrated his victories and anguished in his dispair. 

When our last parent died I assumed the role of caregiver with as much love and acceptance as I could find within myself.  I have been both astounded and grateful as to how well he has done this past year.  Butttttttt as he stabilized and his medications allowed him to start building relationships again with other family members I was extremely concerned about the bond he was building with our niece.  She has bipolar disorder accompanied by alcoholism, a disease difficult for family members to deal with in and by itself but accompanied with bi polar it becomes an almost impossible task.  It certainly isn't something a person dealing with schizophrenia can handle.  And just as I predicted her disease triggers my brother's disorder and the two of them together is wayyyyyyyyyy more than I can handle.  

I've tried to explain to my brother that he is my first priority and though he may categorize me as cruel and heartless for not taking on my niece as well it is just the way it must be.  My dance card for crazy is full!!!!!!!!!  

My niece is in a full blown depressive state right now and my brother is beginning to trip out from anxiety.  His behavior turns angry when he feels stressed and anxious and then I receive the brunt of it.  As I am aging I find I really don't have as much patience as in the past.  I also recognize what I do and do not have the ability to change.  

As a caregiver I have to maintain the ability to detach myself emotionally from the situation and simply act on things I do have control over.  I'm an available transport  to psychiatric facilities but beyond that I'm pretty much detached.  My brother is the only one I have the energy to deal with on a day-to-day basis.  And believe me there are days when I'm not sure I have enough in me to do that. 
Call me heartless but that's just all this 60 year old has in her.

The real tragedy is that the mental health system in this country began its' decline years ago.  Funding and resources have all but dried up completely.  Families are expected to assume the responsibility of their ill loved ones without any support.