Great Costumes

Never Under estimate the power of a good book!

A long time ago in a far away land when I was young and married my young police officer husband worked the night shift and almost every night at the end of his shift he would either stay and talk shop with the other officers or ride around with one of the guys on the next shift. Still being a fairly young bride this soon became annoying. One night at shift change I decided to see if I could entice my husband into coming straight home. Earlier in the day I went to the bookstore and purchased a book titled The Happy Hooker. Then I found the absolute raunchiest parts in the book I could find. After practicing reading it aloud in my sexiest southern drawl I called the police station right at shift change and asked to speak to my husband. When he answered the phone I began to read to him from the Happy Hooker. With sirens blazing and lights a flashin he was home in about 90 seconds.

Well, it was about 3 days later and my husband’s night off when we had only been in bed for the night about an hour when the phone rang. My husband answered the phone and then said, “Yeah, she’s here, just a minute.”

Puzzled over who was calling me at that time of the night I took the phone and said, “Hello.”

On the other end of the receiver came my own voice with it’s lilting southern drawl reading the…Happy Hooker followed by loud laughter in the background.

It seems that all calls to the station were recorded at the time and for 3 days the other officers had been enjoying my reading. I think they all went home on time that week as well! The department also experienced a baby boom 9 months later!

Just goes to show the power of a good book!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Good Day

Good doctor report today. I had lost 10 pounds since Sept. 28th and my blood pressure was normal, kidney function normal....still working on the blood sugar but it is improving. I'll do another A1C3 in January and hopefully that will be down as well.
Sooooo I'm on the right track and definitely feeling a lot better. It's amazing how a few simple changes can make you feel so much better.

Our town has decided that the official trick-or-treat night will be Friday night because of the evening football game on Saturday. It will be safer for the kiddos. I never know how much candy to purchase because I never know if I'll have any trick-or-treaters. One year I had none and the next about 40. What ever candy I don't give away I'll just bring to work.

Halloween reminded me of another story about my ex-husband. We were about 26 at the time and Halloween was approaching and someone gave me an old woman mask. It was a full head mask with long white hair. She was a rough looking old gal with a wart on her chin etc. Our kids were in kindergarten at the time and since my husband worked nights he slept during the day. One day close to Halloween I decided I'd play a joke on him. While the girls were at school I put the old woman mask on my head and stripped naked and crawled into bed and snuggled up close behind Jim. It didn't take long before he began to "stir" so to speak and then he rolled over toward me. He slowly opened his eyes and then started screaming like a girl. He flew himself off the bed and landed on all fours between the bed and the wall. He just kept yelling something like, "Oh God, Oh God". I almost panicked because I immediately thought he was going for his gun. Thank goodness he always kept it in the closet on the top shelf. I didn't know whether to run or freeze. I ripped off the mask and shoved it under the covers. I started yelling louder than Jim saying, "What in the world is wrong with you?" Somehow I was able to convince him that he must have had a nightmare.

I drive a white car. Most of the hubcaps are missing because they just keep falling off. Not because I am wreckless or can't drive...ok well maybe I did lose that one because I scraped the curb at the drive-in bank but that was the only one I will take credit for. Anyway, you'd think I'd be able to pick my car out in a line-up with only 1 hubcap remaining but I'll confess, my powers of observation leave something to be desired. Every day at the end of the day I do the same thing. I go to the parking and get in my car and head for home. So the other day was no exception. I got in my car and shut the door. I went to put my purse on the seat and noticed all this trash. I thought to myself, now who has been driving my car and who left all this trash in it? I immediately started picking up the trash and cleaning up the car. Just as I got to the bottom of trash I noticed that my car seat color had changed from silver to lavender. Now that's a puzzlement I thought. Then I realized that I wasn't in MY white car. I decided to go ahead and straighten up the mess and then got out......So if you drive a white car you might want to keep it locked. You never know when I may be coming to a neighborhood near you!

I've never had a problem telling stories on myself or laughing at myself. This was something I learned from my dad. He was such a teaser and if we sulked or something he would ask if we'd rather be ignored. I definitely didn't think I'd like being ignored so I quickly learned to take the teasing and laugh at myself as well.

Shortly after my husband I divorced I was at the beauty shop getting my hair cut and telling stories on myself when my beautician said, "I can't believe your husband left you, you're not boring at all."

At first I didn't know how to respond to her frank observation but then I just cracked up. She was right.......I'm NOT boring at all! I guess HE just didn't have a good sense of humor!

So --- back in the day when I was still young and married my husband was working the night shift as a police officer. We had purchased our first house and decided we would paint before we moved in. One evening I was at the house painting and my husband was on duty so I had fixed a picnic supper so he could stop by and eat with me. It was in the summer time and the house was hot so I had all the windows open and had put on my bathing suit to stay cool while I painted. There were no curtains up since we hadn’t moved in yet and this allowed the air to circulate pretty well. It was quite dark outside when I saw the patrol call pull up in the driveway. No one got out right away so I figured my husband was on the radio talking to the dispatcher. I was about 21 years old and still a bride at the time so I decided to “entice” my young husband into the house. I slipped over by the front window and quickly took off the top to my bathing suit and reached out and dangled it in front of the window. The spotlight of the cruiser came on and shown on the window so I jumped out in front of the window and then darted back out of sight. I did this a couple of times and then waited for what I was sure would be a stampede into the house. But, no one got out of the cruiser. I waited a bit longer and then quickly got my top back on. Finally the doorbell rang and when I opened it expecting to see my husband I was met instead by an officer I had never seen before. He just stood on my porch grinning from ear to ear and said he had stopped by to give me a message from my husband. He said Jim would be late for dinner as he was tied up working an automobile accident. Then the grinning officer added, “But the remainder of the shift will be by in 15 minute increments.”

See! I wasn't boring at all!

The garage sale is in full swing (I am not participating) there are too many females over there already. I had hoped to get Ron inspired to let go of some of his parent's things but nope.... He just can't bare to change anything in the house. It's neat as a pin and just like his mother left it some 25 years ago. Oh well! It's his home and he has the right to do whatever he likes with it.

I made everyone a huge pot of chili last night and took it over there while they were setting up for the sale. There were about 5 of my daughter's fellow teachers and they were all having so much fun. I love to listen to a bunch of giggling girls. It reminds me of when the girls were younger and at home. It seems we had slumber parties every other weekend.

I just finished my 30 minutes on the bike and ready to start my day. I really want to get out and do something fun this weekend so I'd better get the chores done now.

TGIF

Yesterday I completed diabetic class #3. This was the class on diet and nutrition so I learned quite a bit. After reviewing my food diary the dietitian advised me that I'm not eating enough........NOW THAT'S A FIRST!!!!!!!!!!! and that my diet doesn't have enough fat in it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that is really a 1st! She explained all the chemistry behind not getting enough fat in your diet and how it affects blood sugar but she had me at "not enough". I can definitely remedy that situation!

I am now up to an hour on my recumbent bike. Two 30 minute sessions, one after breakfast and one after dinner. My next goal is to just increase overall activity. Get out of the house and walk or go to the Y and swim. Something fun like a Zumba Gold class. Anyone ever take one of these ? They offer them at our local YMCA but only during the day. I haven't been able to find any dvd's to purchase so I may be out of luck on that one. It sounds like fun though.

My daughters and their friends are having a garage sale at Ron's house tomorrow. I was hoping they would motivate Ron to start getting rid of stuff but I'm beginning to think he is a hoarder. He inherited his parent's home and nothing has been touched in it since 1967. When I say nothing.....I mean nothing....The first time I went there I thought I was in a Twilight Zone Episode....or a scene from the Time Machine. His mother died a long time ago unexpectedly at home and Ron's dad wouldn't let anything be moved or touched after her death, from the knick-knacks to the magazines on the coffee table in the formal living room. They built the house in 1967 and nothing has been changed or updated since then. Still has the same stove/refrigerator/etc. and they are in perfect working order. (They took good care of their things) Ron acts like the museum caretaker.....but it is too sensitive a subject to discuss with him. I think his inability to let go has a lot to do with why our relationship never progressed to marriage along with some financial reasons. I had hoped he might get motivated this time but nope.....he's not ready. Now, his dad has been gone for about 15 years and his mother even longer. I'm not holding out hope that Ron will ever be ready to let go.

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

Signs That You May Be Too Old For Halloween

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

When the door opens you yell,
"Trick or..."
and can't remember the rest.

You have to carefully choose a costume
that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

It is a dark gray morning here and rain is expected. Lucky for me I got my gutters cleaned out yesterday before the rain hits. My house is surrounded by trees and though I like the new guttering I can see it will be a chore to keep the gutters clean. I've been looking at different gadgets to install on the gutters to eliminate that chore. One of them was the gutter brushes above. Anyone ever tried these? Looks simple enough but a little expensive. They remind of old fashion bottle brushes. I know they make some kind of screen that you can put over the gutters as well. Home maintenance.....it never ends.

Ron went to the doctor yesterday and he was sent for an ultrasound on his leg. The doctor suspected he had a blood clot but fortunately it wasn't "in an important vein". I guess they called it superficial so it only requires heating pad and aspirin. He saw his primary care doctor and he will see him again in 4 months. He won't see the urologist again until March. Overall Ron seems to be feeling good and has resumed his normal activities.

We have had several of our employees come down with the swine flu. No one has been seriously affected by it so far. Our main concern is the children here at the hospital as all of them have weakened immune systems. We are screening new patients for signs or symptoms before admission. So far I think everyone has done a great job. I haven't taken the vaccine yet but I believe it will be offered by the end of the week. We are getting the nasal spray and it is made from the live virus. I'm not sure if I will take it or not. I am in the age group that is less vulnerable because I probably have some antibody already. See, there are advantages to being older after all.

U2 outside my door!

This is what was shaking my house Sunday night. Black Eyed Peas and something called U2..... I guess I slept through the 80's because I had no idea who they were. However, the strong south wind made sure I heard every beat of their drum after I went to bed. Dogs were howling to the beat as well. It was a wild and crazy night! It seems there were 80,000 people filling the stadium with great weather to boot!

Ahhhhhh to be young again!

Sugar, Sugar,......you are my candy girl!

I’ve been keeping a watchful eye on my blood glucose levels. The first 4 days that I was checking my blood glucose after every meal I found it was fluctuating all over the place. I wrote down every bite I took and after 4 days I was able to see what I was eating that was making it spike. I adjusted portion sizes and reduced carbs and the next 4 days I didn’t have a single spike. That made me feel a whole lot more in control. I also lost 8 pounds and that was a real bonus! I started riding my bike again and walking more (short walks to the grocery store, etc). What amazes me most is how those simple changes worked and how much better I feel overall just getting the glucose levels lower. My mood has improved and I’m beginning to feel like myself again. Hooray! I need to keep increasing my activity but slowly I think I will accomplish that goal.

My town does a spring and fall clean-up where you can put anything out by the curb and it will be hauled away at no extra charge. This year I needed to discard an old gazebo frame and I managed to get that down Saturday. The patio looks a little bare but maybe in the spring I will replace it with a new one. It’s great to be able to do a little fall cleaning and spring cleaning every year. I’d never find a way to haul that stuff to the dump on my own.

This weekend my daughters are planning a garage sale. I don’t have much to contribute but I’ll have a few things. They are going to use Ron’s garage since we already have it set up with clothes racks and shelves. I enjoy sitting out there and seeing all the neighbors and people who come by. It’s just a social gathering to me. Guess that’s because I love to talk to everybody.

I have a slow week this week at work. I’m going to the diabetes clinic Thursday morning for a 4 hour class. It will be the last class until the final one in November. (Just in time for Thanksgiving) I’ve learned a lot from the classes and hope I’ll be able to stay focused. I’m determined to keep it under control. My father lost his sight to diabetes and I don’t want the same fate. Of course my dad never did try to eat right. My older brother has the disease but has managed his quite successfully for the past 12 years. I think I’ll follow his example and not my dad’s!

Dream Big

What would I do if I had my whole life still in front of me? I’d like to think I’d waste not one moment of it. I’d think before acting. I’d save 15% of every paycheck. I’d exercise and eat well every day. I’d spend at least 8 hours a week doing volunteer service. I’d stay in school and graduate before marriage and babies. I’d get an advanced degree. I’d travel somewhere new at least once a year. I’d plan well and dream big.

For me the hardest part of getting older is that there is more time behind me than ahead. I guess it is normal to feel some anxiety about the future when you turn sixty years of age. For me it was truly a landmark birthday. I became an orphan and the new matriarch of the family. I felt as if I was in a game of tag and I didn’t move fast enough. “Tag…. I’m It.” Only, I don’t want to be “IT”. Suddenly I’m thinking about a durable power of attorney, handicapped accessible bathrooms and living wills. Do I have all my ducks in a row? When can I sit back and just relax?

I enjoyed reading Arkansas Patti's post today about what she did when she turned sixty. She found something that gave her her sense of power and control back. I'm probably not going to take up motorcycle riding or even horseback riding as I am terrified of both but I'm definitely going to give some thought to creating my own bucket list.

There are times when I wish I could ask my mother how she found the courage to grow old. She once told me that every age has its blessings. I’m trying to focus on those words. I’m trying to think past the arthritis and elevated blood sugar. I’m trying to remember to plan well and dream big!

Breaking up is hard to do........

I tried to break up with my blog but it just kept enticing me back. Of course I don't really consider it a blog as I don't write about anything of interest to anyone other than myself. It is more or less a reflective journal. It gives me an anchor. For 55 years I have kept a journal and it has always allowed me to go back and see where I've been, how far I have come and hopefully learn from my mistakes. I kept my journal in my bedside table and every night I'd write about my day or my feelings at the time. I never thought I'd ever switch to a computer version but low and behold I just can't seem to go back. It takes too long to jot my thoughts in long hand. So I'm back to the new and improved version.

I've had great news lately. My friend Perry and his wife Emma in the UK are having their first baby. Perry sent me an email yesterday to announce the news and I loved the tone of excitement in his voice. I know he will be a great dad!

My friends Megan and Brad are on their way to parenthood as well. Fortunately they are only across town and not across the ocean. So all this talk of babies has definitely lightened my mood and lifted my spirits. It's hard to believe that something so small as a baby can make the world seem brighter.

Speaking of motherhood and growing old......(ok, so we weren't speaking about growing old) Did you ever have one of those moments when you know there was something you were supposed to do but for the life of you it has escaped your memory. I had started believing this was just a by-product of aging when I suddenly remembered an incident from my past. I was only 23 years old at the time with 18-month old twins. My brain was still young and pliable and my memory should have been at its peak yet failed me miserably.

It was a busy morning and our neighbor’s little girl was going to be performing in a dance recital later that afternoon. I remember rushing around to get the girls fed and myself ready for our outing. After I got dressed I put the girls in the tub and bathed them. Next thing I knew I had less than 20 minutes to get them dressed, hair combed and in the car. I flew around at record speed and then shuffled them to the car. We made it to the recital on time and took our seats. Being little the girls were a bit fidgety. They started climbing around in their seats and then stood up and flung themselves over the back of the seats in front of us. Just as they did their little dresses flew up in the back revealing two very bare bottoms…….seems I forgot their panties in my haste to get them ready.

Now I’m sixty years old and though I may not remember why I walked in the kitchen…..I always remember my panties! OK…most of the time!

Feeling Better

After a good night's sleep I'm feeling much better. I've really been following my diabetic diet and this week I've managed to keep by glucose levels where they are supposed to be. I'm monitoring it diligently.

I'm really looking forward to the weekend. The weather is cool and I want to get outside. I don't have any plans but I'm sure I'll think of something to do.

I also want to plan a trip. It doesn't have to be an exotic destination but just a chance to get away. I'm considering getting a map and throwing a dart. That might be kind of fun. My daughter's love traveling but I've never been one to get far from home (a trait I inherited from my dad but one I'd like to modify). My dad traveled for business for 22 years and after he opened his own business he never wanted to travel again not even for pleasure. I was always the kid who got so desperately homesick I couldn't even spend the night with a friend. I'd call my mother in the middle of the night to come and get me. Pull that stunt too many times and you stop getting invitations to sleep overs. :( Hopefully it is not too late to change!

Grandma's Cures

(I personally have not tried any of these "cures" but I may consider one or two next time I have an ache or pain)


Did You Know that Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria,keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again! in.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

Sleepless in Oklahoma

I'm beginning to think I'm a few tacs short of a full box. I went to bed last night ready to sleep but nope....just couldn't turn my brain off. I watched the clock as each hour ticked by. I finally got up at 12:00 and took something but that didn't help either. By 4:00 a.m. I knew I had only an hour before I had to get up anyway. I may have dozed off about 4:30 because that's when the crazy dreams started. My father was alive but dying of esophageal cancer and he was losing the ability to talk. My mother was alive but not well. I was there taking care of them but rushed because I knew I had to go to work and I was late. Then my dad started choking and I called 911 but the doctor came instead. He said that my father's cancer would suddenly cause him to hemorrhage and he would choke in his own blood. I remember I kept telling the doctor that I wished he had known my father before he got sick. That he would have loved his sense of humor and his fun personality. Then a car ran into my parent's house by a lady with a van full of children. I was furious and ran outside yelling and screaming at this lady. (which is NOT like me at all) The lady yelled back saying she was trying to get through the yard to take the children to see the cows in the field behind the house.

Now....my dad died after colon surgery. My parents never lived in a house with cows in the back. I never yell at people. Oh, and when I was trying to take a bath to get ready for work my mother opened the door and the doctor was standing there with her. You know....the ole caught naked dream!

Good grief........I'm losing my mind.......I am exhausted and guess I'll take the doctor up on the medication. I can't keep going like this!