Friday, July 27, 2018

Frustration & pity parties

Frustration overtook me yesterday and try as I might I hit my limit with my brother.  No matter how hard I tried to explain how to take a shower without getting water in your eyes the poor guy just didn't get it.  I kept asking myself how hard of a concept is "just turn around"...keep the water at your back!  My Lord he just kept making it harder than it needed to be and my dam burst.  He had decided that he wanted Ron or I standing outside the bathroom every time he showers.  It was just too much.  The more we do for him the more he demands.  I told him he needs to be as independent as he can be and that when we reach the point that Ron and I have to bathe him then other arrangements need to be made.  (As if "other arrangements" will even be an option.

Finally after tears from both sides I convinced him to go to bed.  That all would look better tomorrow.  And sure enough today he is better.  Even took a shower by himself (wearing goggles) but whatever works!  

Our lives are completely consumed by my brother's needs.  We can't go anywhere or do anything without constant phone calls.  I'm not resentful but I'm very tired.  When he is hateful or demanding I just want to thunk him on the head.  I have to constantly remind myself that he is functioning at a very self-centered 9 year old level.  

Without Ron this would all be impossible.  There is absolutely no way that I could do this by myself.  Between preparing his meals and keeping track of his meds and doctor appointments that by itself would overwhelm me.  I will say that being so focused on Mike sure keeps me from focusing on my own health issues.  

Last night I got to thinking about my feet....they are completely numb up past the ankle.  Worse on right foot.  I feel some nerve discomfort, I wouldn't call it pain.  My right foot and leg swell and turn red.  I have no idea if this is related to my diabetes but my fear is that it may be.  My blood sugar is well controlled.  Fasting this morning was 90 and has remained low all day as usual.   But none of this kept me from worrying a little last night.  I would definitely like to keep both my feet until I die of some other affliction.  But while I was completely filling up on self-pity I started thinking about my friend Maria. 

She was 19 and standing by her prized Mustang car when she was hit by a semi and both legs were severed on the spot.  She survived with the loss of both legs and a crushed pelvis.  Her right leg was severed at the hip and her left below the knee.  She's considered a bilateral amputee.  When she awoke in the hospital her first words were, and in this order...."How's my car and Will I be able to have children?"  The car was totaled but she went on to  marry and have 2 children.  Both things the average person would have thought impossible.  She also became an Occupational Therapist and I can't think of anything she can't do with the exception of bowling...  She's a certified scuba instructor, a therapist, a wife, mother and soon to be grandmother.  I've never heard her complain.  The only thing that gets to her are people who question whether she deserves a handicap parking sticker. 

So I decided to squash my pity party and went to sleep instead!  

2 comments:

Olga said...

Wow, that is quite the story about your friend. Amazing. Certainly made me have a flash of shame and then a burst of gratitude. I won't complain at least for the rest of today.

Anonymous said...

Dani - I don't know if this will help you but I feel I need to pass it on just in case. Back in 2005, I broke 2 bones in my right foot and was required to keep it elevated before I could get fitted for "the boot" and for better circulation since my circulation is very bad. I have continued to keep my foot elevated whenever I am resting in a chair or when I go to bed. If I don't, I can lose feeling and have to shuffle behind an office chair until i can feel my feet again. You might try folding some pillows or a comforter (I use both) to elevate your feet and see if it helps. Doesn't cost anything and it might just help you. I swear by it and hope it helps you too. - plynjyn
PS - I already think you are a saint and remember you sharing the passing of a dear friend or neighbor a while back who also had multiple situations to overcome. I think you folks in OK are saint just to deal with your weather.
You have every right to get frustrated and feel overwhelmed with your brother. Your plate has been full of things you have overcome your whole life. So glad you have your sweet little Ellie to comfort you now. -plynjyn