Thursday, March 21, 2013

Don't surf the internet

A little knowledge is healthy but sometimes too much information is dangerous.  I make the mistake of researching information on renal cell carcinoma and all I do is frighten myself to death. Most of the time I don't discover anything I didn't already know but yesterday I did.  I have always clung to the hope that since Ron has had no symptoms associated with his lungs that it meant he was probably alright.  Yesterday I learned that early stage renal cell lung metastatic disease is asymptomatic.

I feel like I got too comfortable.  The past six months things have been so good that I was allowing myself to think that just maybe he could be the one in a million that beats this.  I'm not trying to be a pessimist now but I don't want anything to blindside me again. I don't know how you prepare for something horrible but I'm doing my best to remain optimistic but realistic at the same time.  The odds are just not on our  side here.  

I am trying to concentrate my expectations on things like quality of life for as long as you can have it.  The idea of Ron having to have his chest cut open terrifies me and for what?  If it isn't malignant great.....but if it is malignant then what?  We will know that it has spread and that there is nothing that can be done about it.  There is no treatment and he will just wait for it to grow somewhere else.  How many times can he be cut open to remove tumors?  I don't want him to slowly be chopped up until he can't take anymore.  I know it isn't my decision to make but I can't imagine him going through that.  

Maybe I don't want to know whether it is malignant or not.  Not knowing gives me hope.  If they confirm it I don't know if I'll be able to be hopeful again.  Ignorance is bliss!  I just want more time to feel normal and to have our lives as they are.

Then I wonder if my anxiety is for him or is it really for me.  I can't imagine losing him or going on without him.  It took me a lifetime to find love and I'm not ready to let it go.  As soon as I think those thoughts I'm reminded of just what a blessing it has been to have Ron in my life at all and how grateful I need to be of the 12 years we have had together.  Not everyone gets a second chance even if it is brief.  We are approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary and I remember a time when I didn't even think that would be possible.  

I can't discuss my fears with Ron so this is the only place I have to purge them.  I am scared.  But I am strong and I know I can get through whatever comes next.



MerCyn said...

Don't waste time fretting about things out of your control. Dwell on the positive and take one day at a time. I will be thinking about you and wishing only the best for the both of you.

Olga said...

There is a fine line between knowing too little and too much. You know that you are strong and you know that your relationships are a part of that strength. Those are good things to know so be kind with yourself.

Mitzi said...

We never know what is ahead of us. Try to live every day to the fullest. Be grateful for all the wonderful years you have together. Make memories. Miracles still happen everyday.

Florence said...

Many hugs. There's a lot of wisdom in the comments above.

Betty said...

At the doctor's office a few months ago, I let slip that I had looked up one of my meds in the online PDR (Physician's Desk Reference)and didn't like what I read, and he groaned and rolled his eyes and said, "Don't do that. It will scare the bejeezuz out of you." He was right. So, I'll give you this advice. Don't look it up. Just keep hope alive.

Patrick said...

for the past year while I have struggled with my own lung cancer odyssey my nurse practitioner always counsels me to "step away from the Interent"

Caregivingly Yours, Patrick