Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Preparing to Die
After my meeting last night I went to the hospital and sat with my mom for about 3 hours. We had a good visit. I don't think she really understands the ramifications of not placing the feeding tube but I think she is just very afraid of anything invasive. That's OK with me. I was so nervous about the whole thing and kept wondering if it was the right decision or not but with such mixed opinions from the doctors it was hard to make a decision. My mom was very tearful last night and seemed to want to talk. She kept telling me how much she loved me and all her children. For the first time that I can remember she talked about how much she misses my father and her own mother. I asked her if she was afraid of death and she answered, "I think I am". We talked a long time about death and I shared with her my thoughts. I said I believe God was with us when we entered this world and I believe he will be with us when it is time to leave. My belief that this isn't all there is and that we will be with our loved ones again comforts me as well. I reminded her of what she told me when I was pregnant with my twins. I had expressed my nervousness about the actual delivery and pain. She told me that nature had a way of preparing a woman for delivery and that after 9 months I would be so ready I wouldn't think about the pain. She also told me that once I held those babies in my arms I would forget about the pain. I said maybe death is the same way. Maybe nature prepares us for the end and we realize we are tired and ready to rest. Maybe when we see the face of God we forget about the pain of leaving.