Who would have thought that eliminating Diet Coke would make me feel so awful!  By the time I got home from work yesterday I felt like a run over dog.  However, I managed to go all day without one and for me that's a near miracle.  So onward to day two and I'm hoping my stubbornness will get me through the day.  I sure better see some improvement in something in the next few days.  

I have a morning breakfast meeting at 7:30 and I'm going to try a cup of coffee.  I haven't drank coffee in more than 25 years but hey I gotta have some caffeine..........

No more artificial sweetener for me

 I have been reading a lot about the side effects of aspertame especially as it relates to joint pain.  I've had Osteoarthritis since I was 14 years old.  So I am no newbie when it comes to joint pain.  I had both basal thumb joints removed about 10 years ago and I had ankle fusion in my late twenties.  But like other seniors my joint pain has increased with aging. So I am now in the process of trying to end my addiction to Diet Coke...and eliminate the use all artificial sweetener in my diet.  Reading about the side effects of these sweeteners frankly scared me.  Some people reported experiencing horrible joint and muscle pain that completely vanished after eliminating asperatame from their diet.  This morning I had a cup of hot tea with honey.   I need the caffeine in order to avoid the headache I will get if I don't have it.  So far so good.  I have promised myself I will switch to water only.  Wish me luck!  This is hard!

Grief

When C.S. Lewis described grief as an invisible blanket between the world and the person grieving his words struck me.  I remember such a feeling when my father died.  The day before my dad was removed from life support we had to bury my great aunt.  I stood at her gravesite with only one thought on my mind and it was that my father was going to die tomorrow.  It was surreal and I wondered if my pain was visible.  I felt almost invisible going about the business of living but wondering how the world could go on when my world was being torn apart. Lewis also said grief felt like the sensation of being afraid, that same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness.  Oh, how accurate a description.

Until my father’s death I had only been introduced to grief.  My first encounter was at the age of five when my great grandmother died.  I remember my parents coming to me while I was playing outside.  They sat down beside me and told me that Mama Tucker had died.  My mother was very close to her grandmother and I could feel her sadness but had very little understanding of the finality of their words.

As a young adult I experienced the loss of my grandparents and though I definitely experienced grief it was on a much lesser scale.  I found myself in a supportive role.  My job was to be a support to my parents but always cognitive of the feeling that life goes on. Not until my father’s death did I truly understand grief as described by C.L. Lewis.  And like many of life’s experiences once we have survived such grief we are able to imagine our ability survive it again if necessary.

I have been guilty of looking for answers where there are none.  I have wondered why God would have allowed me to find such happiness at this stage of my life and then threaten me with the unthinkable possibility of taking it away.   I had convinced myself that the advantage of remaining single was that I would never have to experience the loss of a spouse.  It seemed to be a worthwhile trade until Ron and I met again and though I avoided marriage for a long time I realized that I would never be able to protect myself from the possibility of grief. 

After our marriage and the 3^rd cancer surgery I again questioned why God would let me have such happiness and then threaten to take it away.  But I think I finally found something that helps me come to terms with this possibility.

“It was too perfect to last,' so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic - as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it ('None of that here!'). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean 'This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.' As if God said, 'Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Sittin Pretty

How lucky I am.  I was fortunate to grow up with two loving parents who opened their doors to everyone.  We had such fun as a family.  There was lots of story telling, plenty of teasing and just plain fun.  Ours was the house where everyone wanted to hang out.  Most of our friends were just sitting on baited breath waiting to hear the next story out of my dad’s mouth.  He was always the entertainer.  I swear he missed his calling for he definitely belonged on stage.  He was a one-man show 24 hours a day. 

My mother could be just as entertaining only it was unintentional.  She was just so honest and said the first thought that popped into her head.  My parents were compared to Archie and Edith Bunker but without the bigotry.  My dad was as colorful as Archie and my mother was a sweet as Edith.  I think what I admired most was their love for one another.   My father had the same romantic love for my mother for 55 years.  He always referred to her as his lovely Lolita.  (I guess he wasn’t that much like Archie after all)  I always hoped to find someone to love me as much as my father loved my mother. 

Sometimes when I am quiet and close my eyes I can see them both.  I can see my dad in his white t-shirt and shorts, rolling a cigar between his thumb and fingers.  With one leg slung over the arm of a chair he would survey his audience with a mischievous glint in his eyes.  Not far away was my mother always lovely but oblivious to the shenanigans about to transpire.  

Forgive me if you have heard this before but hey, I'm old, I repeat myself..................

I remember one day in particular when my brother Mike decided to join the family after spending a few days recuperating from hemorrhoid surgery.  I was sitting in the den next to my father as Mike gingerly made his way down the hall carrying his rubber donut.  I remember watching my dad out the corner of my eye aware of his rather unusual silence.  Daddy just puffed on his cigar while keeping an intent eye on Mike.  Finally Mike positioned himself above the couch.  He let out a deep sigh as he slowly came to rest on top of the rubber donut. Before Mike could inhale dad suddenly remarked, “Well I’ll be damned Mike, you are finally a bigger pain in the ass to yourself than you are anyone else.”

Lady In Red

Last night I got a phone call from an old high school boyfriend.  He is currently living in Paris and he called to touch base like he does ever year or so.

I met Albert when I was fifteen.  We were sophomores in high school and though we had several classes together I did not make his acquaintance until the day I wore my new red shoes.  You see it was the first pair of red shoes I had ever owned and because red is my all time favorite color and because they were also my first pair of non-corrective shoes I was really, really, excited about them.  I couldn’t take my eyes off those shoes.  So, in our 5^th hour history class there I was sitting sideways at my desk just so I could keep glancing down at my feet.  This put me in a position to talk to the student behind me, which happened to be Albert.  Not being able to contain my enthusiasm for my new shoes I stuck my feet straight out and said to him, “See my new red shoes!”.  Duhhhhhh what a dork.   But the door was opened and Albert took it from there.     

We dated all three years of high school and continued through our freshman year of college.  It was at the end of that year that Albert confessed he was gay.  Not exactly confessed but told me about an experience he had on the wheat harvest that summer that made that fact very clear.  I was shocked, repulsed and maybe a little scared.  Being young and naive I didn’t know how to react.   I just remember going home and crying on my dad’s shoulder.  For some reason unknown to me at the time my dad wasn’t surprised by the revelation.  It was something he had suspected since the first time he met Albert but never shared with me.  I guess he felt my virtue was safe so why rock the boat. Maybe I missed the clue in Albert’s shared enthusiasm for my red shoes……..but that’s stereotyping.

What I did appreciate was what my father told me.  He reminded me that everything I loved about Albert was still there.  He was still the same boy.  He was still my best friend which I think is what he had always been.  We shared many interests and that hadn't changed.

So, Albert and I have remained close friends all our lives.  He moved to California but we always stayed in touch.  His mother once told me that maybe if I had just slept with her son he might not have been gay.  Poor mom……….she had a hard time accepting her son's sexual orientation and way too much confidence in mine.

A few years ago Albert up and moved to Paris where he plans to remain for the remainder of his life.  He once told me I was the only girl he ever loved.   I know it was a sweet innocent time in our lives.   I’m glad he was finally able to be his authentic self and I’m glad he was able to share that truth with me.

The Iron Lady

My brother has taken to calling me “The Iron Lady”.  He referred to me as such at his silver sneakers class.  I think he is feeling the heavy hand of the law since I put him on a budget.  I was having such a hard time managing his finances because of his, shall we say, unusual spending habits.  It took us about 3 months to round up all the credit cards and blank checks from his house and to come up with a plan.  Each Saturday we fill a Subway gift card with $30.00 for the week.   Mike likes to eat a Subway sandwich every day………………. He no longer buys foot long sandwiches. he now just purchases one 6 inch per day as opposed to two foot longs and forgetting he has one in the refrigerator.

Finally………I have successfully introduced him to TV dinners.  He has several he likes and they have been a huge money saver.  I don’t know why he can remember he has a tv dinner in the freezer but couldn’t remember the meals I prepared and left in his refrigerator but I’m not complaining……….whatever works!  So, we take him shopping on Saturday for groceries and then we give him a set amount of cash to pay for the extras  and his silver sneakers class.   So far, so good.  He has managed 3 weeks in a row and I say that is a significant victory!

All these things are new to Mike.  He has never managed money or worried about it since our parents paid his bills all his life.  It’s not easy to acquire daily living skills at the age of 65 but it is never too late.  I just have to remember Rome wasn’t built in a day.  We celebrate every new accomplishment and ask for patience along the way.  Sometimes the job of managing two households overwhelms me but I just have to slow down and forgive myself when I feel less than perfect.  It is OK……..  I’m doing the best that I can and if that’s good enough according to Mike then it should be good enough for this Iron Lady.

This is a prayer I say when I'm feeling like the mean ole "Iron Lady"

Lord, may I be slow to anger and filled with love

Please fill my heart with patience

May I be ready to forgive - myself and others

Not just this once

But as many times as it takes

Because I know that you are not mean

When it comes to forgiveness

Please fill my heart with understanding

May I always seek to contemplate

What somebody may be suffering

Before I jump to any conclusions

Because I know that you never cease

To pardon me

Lord, may I be slow to anger and filled with love

Because you are my hero

And I'm following you
 

The Elusive Butterfly

You might wake up some mornin'
To the sound of something moving past your window in the wind
And if you're quick enough to rise
You'll catch a fleeting glimpse of someone's fading shadow
Out on the new horizon
You may see the floating motion of a distant pair of wings
And if the sleep has left your ears
You might hear footsteps running through an open meadow

Don't be concerned, it will not harm you
It's only me pursuing somethin' I'm not sure of
Across my dreams with nets of wonder
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love

Just think about that.  How many people do you know are struggling to feel happiness?  How many people do you know are searching for love?  In my family alone I can name several.

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.”  Thich Nhat Hanh

What does it mean to have freedom in your heart?  To me it means emptying yourself of the past hurts and disappointments, not only by others but yourself as well.

When you are dwelling on the past you are not present in the now and to me that means you are missing the best part of your life.

I remember how much time I wasted after my divorce asking the question why?  I just wanted an explanation.  I wanted my ex-husband to tell me why he stopped loving me, why he had an affair, why he left his children and why he was never in their lives again.  But it finally dawned on me that no matter what answer he gave me it wasn’t going to make me feel any better or excuse the way he treated his children.  That’s when I realized there was no point in asking it anymore and that is when I stopped looking backwards.  

It was a pretty good lesson overall because I continued to go through life refusing to look back.  I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I’ve had my fair share of crazy relationships but I don’t spend one minute looking back with regret.  Every mistake, every relationship, every experience brought me to where I am today and it is a really good place.  I try to keep my heart open and free to embrace all the wonderful things yet to come.