When The Price of Beauty is Too Steep!

Now I don't normally shop on the home shopping networks but last week I was channel surfing and something caught my eye.  This woman of a more mature age was holding this pink egg shaped device to her face and as she moved it upward so went her sagging skin.  She was only performing this voo doo on one side of her face so the comparison was quite amazing.  One eyebrow magically lifted to a high arch until she had a little Cruella De Ville look going on. 

Then as her sagging jowls began to rise I knew I had to have this wonderful machine.........so I placed my first HSN order. 

Well, I decided to keep my impulse purchase a secret until I was transformed so when the package arrived I hid it in the bedroom and waited for a little alone time to begin my journey back to the future.

On Saturday afternoon I sat in front of my mirror and read the instructions carefully while Bella, our dog, sat at my feet and looked at me with her head cocked to one side. I inserted the 9 volt battery in the machine as required.  I cleaned my face and applied the conductive gel to the area I wanted to lift to the Heavens.  I chose to work on the lines that as I have aged make me resemble a marionette.  You know the ones that go down each side of the mouth like Howdy Doody. 

So, after putting on the gel and cranking up the machine.  (I had a choice of 3 settings and figured that if the lowest setting worked then why not go for the highest which in my world would only help me achieve my goal faster). I placed the cute little pink paddles on my face making sure the four metal prongs were strategically located just above my marionette lines on either side of my upper lip.  Then I turned it on.  All I can say is OMG what in the Sam Hell,  my eyes started watering profusely and my upper lip turned inside out.  The dog was barking like I had never heard her before and she was scratching at the bedroom door in an effort to escape. Thank God the machine had a default setting that shut it off after 90 seconds because in my state of dilerium I couldn't pull my hands away from my face.

By the time it was over my lips felt like they had been shot up with Novacain.  My upper lip weighed 88 pounds.  I had no control over the drooling and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head of which I can only assume came from the burnt hair on my upper lip.  And to my dismay I still looked like a marionette only now I had four prong marks emphasizing the lines like exclamation marks!

So, I'm packing up my purchase and preparing to send it back.  I had to finally tell Ron what I had done since he wouldn't stop asking me why my lip was twitching.  He was laughing like a hyena until I told him to stop......I said, " if they had advertised it as a male "enhancer" every man in the country would have prong marks on their @#$%."