Pity party

I am in the midst of a major pity party and an extreme guilt trip.  My patience with my brother is wearing thin as we deal with one "crisis" after another.  He appears so helpless and has to ask us questions about everything.  His personal hygiene has become an issue of concern.  He is requiring so much attention that I feel completely suffocated.  And....I'm only dealing with the phone calls, my poor husband is the one dealing with Mike personally.  I worry constantly about Mike's finances and how I'm going to make his money last and how I'm going to maintain the house he lives in.  I feel so alone with every decision I make or don't make.  

Last night we were so exhausted by his constant phone calls we finally told him that if he can't meet his basic needs we may have to consider alternative living arrangements.  That of course sent him into a spin and now he's trying to "prove" he can take care of himself which of course he can't.  I just lost it on him this morning and I broke down crying.  I told him he isn't thinking about anyone but himself, what he wants, when he wants it and no regard for anyone else.  Yep......I was that harsh and  I'm not proud of it.  Now I'm just dying inside because the last thing I want to do is scare him or hurt him in anyway.  But I'm scared.

I sat here and wondered who died and left me in charge anyway?  It just happened.  He had a psychotic break that was absolutely horrific and I found myself smack dab in the middle of taking full responsibility for him.  No one else was going to do it and I couldn't sleep at night worrying about what would happen to him.  I certainly put his happiness and well being before my own.  Now here I am!

I'm absolutely terrified but convinced that he will out live me and I don't know what will happen to him.  I'm torn between moving him into my house which I know would be a disaster. He will literally consume us alive.  He's consuming us alive as it is.  Our lives literally revolve around taking care of Mike. Is it so wrong that I sometimes want to be selfish and say No More.........I deserve a little peace and a life of my own?  But every time I think like that I am consumed with guilt.  Mike didn't ask for this disease.  

Sometimes I get angry at our parents for not teaching him any daily living skills and then I think they just did what they knew to do.  They kept him safe and with them and coped with his illness.  Sometimes by taking the path of least resistance.  Giving in to his disease of Schizophrenia.

There are no easy answers.  I almost wish he was completely psychotic then placing him somewhere would not be so hard.  That sounds awful I know but since he is aware he is resistant and he is terrified of change.  I can't deal with him being scared.  It tears me apart.

So, here I am at work.  I can't concentrate on anything.  I feel so guilty and I'm going to worry about my brother all day!  What in t he world are we going to do when I have surgery?