Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Yesterday was a long day.  I left work and went to Mike's.  My other brother met me there and then Ron came too.  I was almost sure that the situation had escalated because of the psych. nurse.  She's a rather loud, fast talking person and she gets Mike excited every time she comes.  I had just talked to Mike right before she got to his house and he was settled down but then he told her he had suicidal thoughts and the @#$% hit the fan.  I'm sure she was only following protocol but it didn't do anything but get Mike worked up.  He was a real zombie when I got there but it was because he hadn't slept all night worrying about the doctor's visit.  The nurse wanted him to go to the hospital and I didn't.  I wanted him to go to bed and sleep.  I didn't think the situation warranted going to St. Anthony's.  Every time he is in the hospital they just dope him up more and it makes things worse.  Sometimes you have to just trust your gut and I think I know my brother pretty well.  

We didn't leave him alone the rest of the day and he slept at our house last night.  Butch is taking him to the psychiatrist today.  I think if Dr. T. agrees to back off the medication decrease for awhile Mike will settle down.  Mike is terrified that he will get sick and end up in the psych. unit again and I totally understand his fear.  This will have to be done very, very, slowly.

I'm definitely going to check out NAMI as suggested.  I think it would be good for all of us, my other brother, Ron and myself.  Yesterday I felt like we were all just about worn out.  

I have always said I wouldn't let Mike consume me the way he did our parents.  But it is hard because it's all he's known.  He kind of held everyone captive.  My dad could hold his own with him and he wasn't afraid to talk stern to him.  But that was a father/son relationship.  Mike's always had his bluff on me because I was always just a little scared of him.  I'm a very non-confrontational person anyway and confronting someone who can blow up at any second is scary.  I was always the peacemaker in the family.  But I have to change that.  Mike now looks to me the way he did our dad.  It is really weird since he basically didn't acknowledge I was alive until our mother died two years ago.

I really feel for my older brother.  He is 73 years old and two of his kids are severely bi-polar.  He's driving one of them to Kansas City on Friday to live with a girlfriend.  She's been homeless for the past two months.  His brother is schizophrenic and I won't even go into his wife.  Let's just say he didn't have enough crazy in the family he had to import some more.  (Now I'm just being mean)  It's not my place to judge anyone.  I just need to concentrate on my own behavior.

So, I'm waiting to hear how the psych. appointment went.  In the meantime I have a long day today.  Late night meeting and I didn't sleep very well last night myself.


Arkansas Patti said...

I don't know how you do it with working, new marriage and Mike. You really need some time for yourself but how?? Keeping you all in my prayers.

Mitzi said...

I am so sorry that your life is so hard right now. Mental illness is a terrible thing to live with. Would Mike consider living in a group home where there is supervision? You are in my thoughts-I want things to be better for you.

Muffy's Marks said...

I hope the Dr. visit brings a magic solution. You are wearing yourself out girl. But what can one do? I will say a special prayer for all of you, that there is peace in your lives.

Anna said...

I live in NJ. If you join the family support group for our local mental health commuity center you can get what they call respite care for your loved one while you take a break. I never did it so I do not know how long it is etc. I would google community mental health center and then go over there. In my experience they never answer the phone but when you go over there they will often help.

These local mental health centers were supposed to replace all the psychiatric hospitals that were closed during the Reagan administration. They have some amazing resources that they do not advertise.