My daughter had surgery last Friday.  Her rotator cuff was partially torn so it was repaired and two bone spurs removed and adhesions released.  Her surgeon said she was just days away from a frozen shoulder.  She will have therapy every day for 2 weeks followed by 3 x weekly for another 3 to 4 weeks.

I'm just trying to survive until June 11th.  I end the work week dead on my feet.  I rest the entire weekend in order to be ready to go back to work on Monday.  Vicious cycle I'm in right now.

Oklahoma Trivia

Oklahoma where the waving wheat sures smells sweet and the wind....well the wind....well it's dog gone windy!

I love many things about my home state but one thing I really love is the original names of some of our towns and communities.  Of course we have a lot of names that reflect the native american history of our state like Tahlequah, Pushmataha, Seminole etc.  but I love some of the other colorful stories that go with other towns in our state.

Bushyhead, Oklahoma - An almost non-existant farming community. Founded in 1898, the town was named in honor of Dennis W. Bushyhead, chief of the Cherokee Nation 1879-87. It is still unknown if, indeed, he actually sported a bushy-head.

Bug Tussle, Oklahoma - Bug Tussle, known more formally as Flowery Mound, which is just as bad, is a quiet little farming community. That it is better known than Cracker Box, Buzzard Roost, Gouge Eye, and other imaginatively named Oklahoma communities can be credited to the fame of its most famous native son, the Honerable Carl Albert, Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, 1971-1977.

Hooker, Oklahoma - This small farming community sprang into being in 1901 when the Rock Island Railroad started laying track across the Oklahoma Panhandle. The town was named for Joseph Hooker, a local cattleman. While Joseph Hooker was indeed prosperous, he never hired any hookers. In fact, there wasn't any even allowed in town.

Bowlegs, Oklahoma - A by-product of the Seminole oil boom, Bowlegs came into being in 1927 on the allotment of a Seminole Indian of that name. The name itself is the white man's corruption of the tribal family name "Bolek."

and my very favorite.....................

Slapout, Oklahoma - Though lacking post office or school, and boasting only a roadside store or two, Slapout lives in Oklahoma folklore for its picturesque name, allegedly derived from the unvarying response of an early-day merchant to every call for an item he didn't have in stock: "I had it yesterday, but I'm slap out today."

Thanks

Thanks everyone for listening to my rant yesterday and for the words of encouragement and advice.  Ron and I talked last night and we have decided to see a therapist.  We need someone to talk to about all this and just guidance on how to cope.  Ron wasn't thrilled with the idea since he is a very, very private man but he'll do anything if he thinks it will help me.

Mike on the other hand was on his BEST behavior the rest of the day.  He went to the senior citizens center by himself and joined a western line dancing group.  I can ONLY IMAGINE..... but I had been trying to get him to go to the center to give him more things to do.  He's going back on Friday for Tai Chi.  He also limited his phone calls last night and we were actually able to relax and think for a change.  I told him this morning that he did a great job and how much we appreciated it. 

I think I need a therapist to help learn how to set boundaries with Mike.  I'm not good at that.  If someone looks at me with sad eyes or looks scared I fall apart and will jump through fire to make it better.  I have to learn how to say no sometimes.  I'm such a pushover...........you wouldn't believe it.

I know this is behavior that I learned as a kid.  My mother suffered from chronic depression and when I was young I thought I could make her happy.  I wouldn't leave her side for anything.  It was hard for me to even play at a friend's house because I worried whether my mother was sad or not.  I never slept away from home until I was 13 years old.  So I have a long history of trying to fix other people.

My daughter Julie learned she will have shoulder surgery within the next few weeks.  It is a result of the fall at the beginning of school when she fell in the hole in the playground.  She has had nothing but crap from worker's comp. and it has taken 6 months to finally get to see an orthopedist who says she needs surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff.  The other teacher who fell in the same hole had surgery immediately and came back to work 8 weeks later.  What a mess.

Our only option for Mike is a nursing home.  There are no facilities anywhere that we can find that would be suitable for him.  A nursing home will only be an option later down the road I'm afraid.  We are just going to have to keep on keeping on.  He's too cognitive to agree to a nursing home right now and because he's not been declared incompetent he could leave anytime he wanted.  I've avoided the whole incompetent thing because I do not want to be made his legal guardian.  If I take that on I'll never get anyone to admit him anywhere.  I was legal guardian for my mother and it cost us a bundle in legal fees even after her death.  I couldn't get any nursing home to admit her either so it all fell on me.  I'm trying to avoid that with Mike.

With the mental health funding cuts long-term care is all but obsolete in Oklahoma and I live in a town with a state mental hospital.  The hospital is a ghost town now.....all the buildings are empty and I don't know if there are any patients there at all now.  Very sad........

I've talked to the Choctaw Nation concerning long-term care for Mike but we have to be living within the Choctaw Nation and we don't.  We'd have to move about 170 miles S. E. of here to be within the Nation.  I'm not ready to do that.  Even at that I'm not sure what if anything would be available for him.

My niece is in a rehab. facility operated by the Creek Nation.  It's about a 100 miles from here but she will only be there 27 days.  At least it is giving my older brother a break from taking care of her.

But for today calm has settled in Metropolis.  Batman is at his aerobics class and my world is a little calmer.

Pity party

I am in the midst of a major pity party and an extreme guilt trip.  My patience with my brother is wearing thin as we deal with one "crisis" after another.  He appears so helpless and has to ask us questions about everything.  His personal hygiene has become an issue of concern.  He is requiring so much attention that I feel completely suffocated.  And....I'm only dealing with the phone calls, my poor husband is the one dealing with Mike personally.  I worry constantly about Mike's finances and how I'm going to make his money last and how I'm going to maintain the house he lives in.  I feel so alone with every decision I make or don't make.  

Last night we were so exhausted by his constant phone calls we finally told him that if he can't meet his basic needs we may have to consider alternative living arrangements.  That of course sent him into a spin and now he's trying to "prove" he can take care of himself which of course he can't.  I just lost it on him this morning and I broke down crying.  I told him he isn't thinking about anyone but himself, what he wants, when he wants it and no regard for anyone else.  Yep......I was that harsh and  I'm not proud of it.  Now I'm just dying inside because the last thing I want to do is scare him or hurt him in anyway.  But I'm scared.

I sat here and wondered who died and left me in charge anyway?  It just happened.  He had a psychotic break that was absolutely horrific and I found myself smack dab in the middle of taking full responsibility for him.  No one else was going to do it and I couldn't sleep at night worrying about what would happen to him.  I certainly put his happiness and well being before my own.  Now here I am!

I'm absolutely terrified but convinced that he will out live me and I don't know what will happen to him.  I'm torn between moving him into my house which I know would be a disaster. He will literally consume us alive.  He's consuming us alive as it is.  Our lives literally revolve around taking care of Mike. Is it so wrong that I sometimes want to be selfish and say No More.........I deserve a little peace and a life of my own?  But every time I think like that I am consumed with guilt.  Mike didn't ask for this disease.  

Sometimes I get angry at our parents for not teaching him any daily living skills and then I think they just did what they knew to do.  They kept him safe and with them and coped with his illness.  Sometimes by taking the path of least resistance.  Giving in to his disease of Schizophrenia.

There are no easy answers.  I almost wish he was completely psychotic then placing him somewhere would not be so hard.  That sounds awful I know but since he is aware he is resistant and he is terrified of change.  I can't deal with him being scared.  It tears me apart.

So, here I am at work.  I can't concentrate on anything.  I feel so guilty and I'm going to worry about my brother all day!  What in t he world are we going to do when I have surgery?

Another one bites the dust

Well another weekend of recliner sitting.  I spend my entire weekends laying in the recliner icing my hip.  This is starting to get very old.  It takes the entire weekend to recover from the work week and to get ready for the next one.  I did manage to put a pot of ham/beans on for Mike.  That's about the extent of my accomplishments.  

Ron however ran around all over the place.  He took Mike to church, did the grocery shopping and then took Mike out to purchase tennis shoes.  I just wish I could have seen that fiasco.  Ron said it was like taking a 4 year old shopping.  I can only imagine.

Ron had no more returned home when Mike called with one of his "emergencies".  He couldn't get his radio to work.  Ron drove over to his house and found that it wasn't turned on.......Between all the phone calls and "emergencies" I'm really looking forward to anesthesia.  I just feel bad that Ron will be dealing with things all alone while I'm blissfully sleeping away.

When the patient becomes the caregiver

Last night I was telling Ron that I'm so sorry that he has to do so much and that I'm such a slug.  I told him I can't wait to get my surgery over with so I can go back to taking care of him.  He so sweetly reminded me that we take care of each other.  How true...
That's what relationships are all about and I'm so lucky to have such a loving and kind partner in life.  

It's hard to believe that 10 months ago he was having part of his lung removed.  You'd never know it by looking at him.  Now I'm about to have a hip replacement.  Maybe next year we will both be well enough to actually take a trip or just enjoy life a little bit.  That's my prayer anyway.

Mike has been a little on the wacky side lately.  He obsesses over things so much.  I am definitely worried how he will handle my surgery.  It breaks my heart every time I read about the cuts being made to mental health.  I just think about all the people who have no families to help care for them.  It's like we have become a nation of people who no longer care about anything.  I know that I'm generalizing and that isn't right but it sure feels like we are losing compassion.  I hope I'm wrong!

I am really tired of hurting.  Every day it gets to be a bigger and bigger struggle just to walk.  When I've sat at my desk for about an hour I have so much pain when I get up and try to walk.  I use a cane but I've put so much stress on my wrist that now IT hurts as well.  I'll be so glad when June gets here. 

I was thinking yesterday about all the lessons I took as a kid.  I took piano lessons for about dance lessons for about 4 years, piano lessons 10 years, and voice lessons for about 6 years.  All that and I don't have a lick of talent. 

I did enjoy playing the piano but I hated recitals.  I no longer play since I've had hand surgeries.  In fact I'm giving my piano away to someone who will enjoy it.  Right now it is just being used as a very large sofa table.........  

I took voice lessons hoping to be more like my mother (She sang opera) but I never had the pipes for that.  I was hard to hear even with a microphone........I remember in high school I was in a folk group (remember folk music?) I was the one with the tambourine.  Every time I had a solo part I'd drown myself out beating on the tambourine. 

Dancing........omg.....I have some rhythm but two left feet.  I did tap, ballet, jazz, you name it and none of it with grace.  I've always loved ballroom dancing but where on earth do you find a partner you don't have to pay to dance with you?  Ron is worse than me....he has two left feet and NO rhythm.  We did take swing lessons in preparation for my daughter's 40th swing birthday party.  We got one step down and danced it all night. 

I took guitar lessons for a very short time (just until my fingers started to hurt) and managed to learn 3 cords. 

You'd think with all the lessons I've had I'd be at least mediocre at something!