Well, after a sleepless night of worrying about whether I was doing the right thing or not...my mother's surgery was scheduled for this morning at 7:40 am. They finally took her down to surgery about 8:30. By 10 till 9:00 it was canceled. She finally expressed her wishes (while on the operating table) that she does not want a feeding tube. The surgeon came to get me and we talked and I have to say I was relieved. I was relieved of the responsibility to make the decision and relieved the ordeal was finally over. My mother will be transferred to a long care facility and kept as comfortable as possible until her death. I have tried for so long to get her to tell me what she wanted and she never would. I'm not sure if she really understands that without the feeding tube she may not live long but maybe at 91 years of age that has already been decided anyway. I just want her to be comfortable as possible. Now I'm at work and I have a late night meeting. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours last night. My suggestion to everyone is to get all your ducks in a row.....create a living will, make sure your loved ones know what you want concerning end of life issues. It is the greatest gift you can give them.

My Never Ending Saga

I've been tied up for the past 4 days. Found a skilled nursing facility to take my mother who was supposed to be discharged yesterday but wasn't. I went to the hospital this morning expecting discharge but her blood work came back funky. Seems her potassium level is low so they are keeping her today to give her potassium and checking labs again tomorrow morning before deciding whether to discharge. She's been looking a little better but is still losing weight rapidly. She just can't keep food down.

My brother has been on the verge of a breakdown but is holding it together (barely). I feel so bad for him too. He's so anxious and there is nothing I can say to him that relieves that anxiety. I keep telling him to hang in there and try living on his own for awhile. He's on his way to see his doctor today and may have to go back on his anti-psychotic medication. The problem he has with it is it causes him to break out in a horrible rash that burns his skin. I just don't know how to help him.

Me....I'm here and functional at least for the time being. Work is such a stress. It takes me about an hour just to get my thoughts together and get productive. There is just so much on my mind I can't concentrate. I'm also having trouble sleeping. I fall asleep ok but I wake up every morning at 3:33 am and that's it for me. I'm up for good. Hope that straightens out soon.

I went to the hospital this morning in hopes of catching the doctor but alas my plan didn't work. The nurse told me that since it is Friday he may not do his rounds until his office closes at 12:00. It is impossible to predict when these doctors will be around. I couldn't get my mother to wake up for breakfast so I wasn't able to feed her this morning. I wanted to see how she would do with the change in diet but I guess I'll just have to check with her aide to see how she did. I'm not expecting her to eat much as this has been the pattern but I can still hope. I really don't want to her to have a feeding tube but it may be the only option. I'm trying to balance work and care of my mother and brother at the same time. I wish I could retire because it would be so much easier.

Granny's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your Grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.

I have finally reached the conclusion that we will no longer be able to care for my mother at home. It is the hardest decision I've ever had to make but I know in my heart it is in her best interest. She is bedfast now and unable to stand for more than 4 or 5 seconds at a time and that is with 2 people assisting. She barely eats and that is with a lot of coaxing. I'm not sure I could manage her care even if I wasn't working full time. I expect the doctor will be discussing a feeding tube at some point and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It is a very emotional decision because I realize we can keep people alive longer than what they would want. I don't want to prolong her life if she has no quality of life. My brother is having a really hard time right now. His emotional state is up and down just like the rest of us but it is even harder on him. I am expecting my mom to be released from the hospital at any moment (without notice) and I have to make a decision soon. I pray I make the right one for everyone.

Well, this is my first chance to post since last week. My mother was transferred back to the hospital last Friday and that is where I've been for the past 4 days. Today she was taken out of isolation and things are beginning to look up for a change. I have no idea where we are going from here but we will take it one day at a time. Thank goodness I saw my own doctor a couple weeks ago because the anti-depressants are working wonderfully...........I highly recommend them if you are under stress! I just came into the office for a couple of hours but will be going back to the hospital this afternoon. I'm keeping a positive attitude and I hope I have many more days left to spend with my mother. She's a sweetie!