I need to find my inner Towanda!

I don't know why doctor's are so intimidating but they are to me and I even work in a hospital.

I saw the ortho today for my MRI results.  He had already told me he doesn't do hip replacements so I had investigated and found another doctor highly recommended but at another hospital group.  The doctor today just kind of dismissed me when I said I wanted to go to the other doctor and next thing I knew I was referred to one of "their" doctors. I asked for copies of my x-rays and MRI results and couldn't get them.  I was told a doctor would have to request them.

I have an appointment with the surgeon I wanted to see next Thursday but I'm supposed to bring the x-rays and MRI results with me.  Now, I'm stuck and don't know what to do.  I'll figure something out but I'm mad at myself for not standing up and being more assertive.

I guess I'll go back and firmly request my MRI results and x-rays since I paid for them.........they should be mine.  I'll just cancel any further appointments I have at this clinic.  I'm really kind of irritated.

Overcoming fear

     I think anybody who is facing surgery of any kind gets anxious.  There is anxiety about how much it will hurt but there is greater anxiety about being put under general anesthesia and the older we get the greater that worry becomes.

       In my life time I’ve had a lot of surgeries, twenty-two to be exact and all requiring general anesthesia.  I’m an old pro when it comes to abdominal surgeries.  I’ve had four orthopedic surgeries and for me they were the worse.  The recovery is long and tedious and I didn’t tolerate the pain as well as I did the other surgeries.  But with all of them I wasn’t as afraid of the anesthesia as I am now.

     A few years ago one my dearest friends and neighbor had a simple outpatient shoulder surgery.  I guess simple didn’t apply to a 66 year old.  She died from complications about a week later. 

      The only way I know to get OK with all this is to get real with my fear.  I ask myself if I’m afraid to die.  I guess we all have a little normal fear of that unknown but I think I’m ok with the life I have lived and if there is a better place after death I think I’ll get there.  So that being said………..what do I have to fear?  Well, I’m still a little anxious about the pain after surgery but I’ve been tough in the past so I guess I can be tough now and get through this.

      Last night I had a dream that they replaced both my hips but the pain was the same afterward.  It didn’t fix anything…………..

Now, that would really make me upset!

     My mother needed a knee replacement when she was 73 years old but was so scared of the surgery she didn't get it done.  She suffered with pain for almost 20 years and couldn't walk more than a few feet.  I don't want fear to keep me from trying to have the best quality of life I can.

Blessings Abound

We are so blessed......Ron's CT results were very good.  The nodules in his right lung are stable (no change)!  His left lung looks good, only some visible scarring which is expected since he had part of his lung removed.  Left kidney area good and right kidney looking good.  His oncologist told him he's one lucky man.  So we have another 3 months to celebrate....

The polar blast has blasted its way through Oklahoma and we are starting to warm up a little.  Thank goodness.  I feel so bad for the people up north.  I heard on the news this morning that yesterday was below freezing in all 50 states.  Yes.....even one place in Hawaii.  That's amazing.  Never underestimate nature.

My older brother had a pipe freeze overnight in his house and they awoke to a flooded living room, dining room and kitchen.  I felt so bad for he and his wife.  That's a lot of work to pull back carpets, replace under pads and dry it all out with fans.  My brother has had cancer and he has a bad back so I hope he wasn't lifting any of that furniture but we know how men can be!

I am feeling really blessed lately.  Last week I was more than down in the dumps........I was really, really, depressed.  I realized that I had lost touch spiritually and that I needed to release everything to Him.  I did just that and I can tell you I feel like a ton of bricks were lifted from my shoulders.  I keep having to be reminded that I'm not in charge.  Maybe someday that lesson will stick.

Pre-Surgery stuff.........

Thanks to Lisa...a blog reader.....my Facebook is no longer in Portuguese............I'm speaking English again.  THANKS Lisa for your help!

I saw my Primary Care physician this morning and had chest x-ray, EKG, stress test and got a pneumonia shot, blood work and all my meds filled and thanks to my Choctaw grandmother it didn't cost me a nickel.  Wish I could say that about my insurance.  I never forget how blessed I am for my native American roots.  So with all the pre-surgery stuff out of the way I'm ready to proceed to the specialist.  I also got my application for a temporary handicapped parking decal.

Ron gets his CT results this afternoon.  I always do my anxiety dance about now.  I get superstitious because last time I was unable to go with him and he had a great report.  Now I think I can't go this time because I might jynx the report.  I know that's crazy but I feel the same way when Oklahoma Sooners play football.  If I watch the game then they will do bad......if I don't....will they at least have a better chance.  I didn't look once when they played Alabama in the Sugar Bowl and will........need I say more.  If you haven't heard the underdog (OU) won that game and my husband didn't have a heart attack.

I've been trolling the house lately finding all the cobwebs and cleaning out closets.  I have to make sure I get everything lined up before surgery.  When I'm home recovering I will see every dust bunny and every cobweb and it will drive me nuts because I can't clean it.  Sooooooo I'm getting it done ahead of time.  This is so I don't drive Ron crazy asking him to clean the ceilings etc.  (Aren't I thoughtful?)

So, onward we trod.  I am keeping all my marbles in my basket and I'm going to get through all this with at least a grin maybe a smile.

supercalafragilisticexpialidocious

Ron and I had a movie date yesterday to see "Saving Mr. Banks".  We loaded up the wheelchair and away we went.  This was the first time I've used the chair to go see a movie and it worked great.  I wasn't exhausted from trying to walk a long distance.  We just parked it in the accessible seating area and I transferred to a regular seat by my sweetie.  Of course I don't know how much of a hassle it was for Ron since he had to push me but for me it was no problem!

Now, the movie...........it was FANTASTIC!  I knew nothing about the author of "Mary Poppins" so I had no idea what the story was about.  But.....let me say it is an emotionally gripping story and it was so well done.  I even caught a huge tear streaming down my husband's cheek and he never cries.  If you don't see it in a theater definitely rent it when it comes out.

Today is a 14 hour day for me so I'd better get busy.  I'm going to be exhausted by the end of it but I see my primary care doctor tomorrow.

New Year's Blessing

The new year has already blessed me with a wonderful surprise.  I received a friend request on Facebook from my childhood friend, Karma.  I can't tell you how excited I was to hear from her since I've been looking for her for years.  We still haven't exchanged phone numbers and I'm so anxious to talk to her.

I have to admit I'm not very Facebook savy and I even messed it up and mine is now in Portuguese instead of English.  Weird huh????  You'd think I'd know how to use the darn thing since I use a computer all day long at work but somehow I messed it up.  

Anyway, connecting with Karma has just brought back some of the best memories of my childhood.  It's so wonderful that I can share this with my husband since he remembers Karma fondly as well.  We were all in grade school together.  I've already decided that as soon as I'm rehabbed from surgery and can walk and tolerate a long car ride Ron and I are going to go see her.  She's either in Durango, Colorado or Kingman, Arizona.  That's what I was able to figure out from my Portuguese Facebook.

Medical Update

Well, Happy New Year to all.  Here is hoping that 2014 will bring peace and good health to all!

I had my MRI done New Year's Eve and thanks to my sweet daughter I got through it without a hitch.  I had really gotten anxious about it since the last one I had I got a little claustrophobic and they had to stop and give me something to calm down.  This time I kept the rag over my eyes and Jamie was able to sit in the room and put her hand on my foot.  I don't know why that was reassuring but it really worked.  I'll get the results on January 10th. and I see the surgeon on January 16th. 

I have an appointment with my primary doctor on the 7th and I'm going to ask her about prescribing something for depression and anxiety.  I'm afraid my emotions are running away with me and my anxiety over Mike is just wearing me down.  I've got to get a grip on all this.  If for no other reason than I really need a good night's sleep!

Christmas was quiet.  My niece was admitted to the hospital on the 23rd by her dad.  She's going downhill like a bobsled.  Her drinking has just increased and it's definitely put her health at risk.  Her dad (my brother) wants to believe her and support her but I'm afraid it will be to his detriment.  She will suck the life out of him physically, emotionally and financially if he doesn't set some boundaries.  But she isn't my daughter and it is easier for me to say that.

I'm not going to be posting regularly for awhile.  I have just too many irons in the fire right now.  My boss is hiring someone to replace me with the understanding that when I'm rebuilt from the waist down I will have the option of returning if I want to.  That's a promise I hope is honored.  Of course we all know how retirement can be forced upon workers and they may happen in my case.  Fortunately I have enough leave to cover me through this year while I get overhauled.  I'll be 66 in 18 months and that will be just about enough time to get all the surgeries behind me (I hope).

My next big hurdle is to see if my insurance will approve these surgeries...............keep fingers crossed because I don't know what I'll do if they don't.