Hells Kitchen

Mike and I were on two different planets last night.  He had been calling me all day with one thought after another and I was a little tired by the time I got home.  

Then he started calling me at home.  He asked me if he could cook a T-bone steak in the microwave.  I said you can but it won't taste very good.  I asked if he had purchased a steak and he said yes.  So, I offered to grill it for him tonight.

Thinking that the issue was settled I went back to cooking dinner for Ron and I.

After many confusing phone calls later Ron took over.  It seems Mike had stew brought to him by a neighbor.  He decided to heat it in the microwave.  Ron told him to put it in a glass bowl and cover with a paper towel.

About 30 minutes later Mike shows up at our door with a bowl in his hand asking, "Is this glass?"   Twilight Zone Theme song began playing in the background........

Then I found out he did not have a steak.....he said in two days his neighbor was going to bring him one.  

Some days I don't know which way is up!

However, with that aside my quest to improve my health and blood sugar is going well.  My glucose readings have been great and I've lost 15 pounds in the process.  Trying lots of new recipes and so far so good.   If I can manage to control my diabetes and lose weight at the same time as a bonus ...well.....I'm just one happy camper.  My goal is to get off medication.  I'm only taking 500 mg Metformin per day but I'd rather control it with diet/exercise.

The doctor ordered me a back brace and it should arrive soon.  If it helps I hope to be able to take short walks with Ron.   I'm being very careful about my posture and not bending over too much if possible.  I want spinal fusion to be the very last resort. 

Role Model

In a recent Sunday school class we were discussing the aging process and the grieving of loss.  The leader asked for examples of the loss that some aging people feel and the responses were not surprising.  Some grieved the loss of abilities, independence, friends, family members, etc.  Then the discussion turned to the anger that some people exhibit when they find themselves dependent on others.  One woman asked how do you deal with anger directed toward the caregiver.  This is especially hard when you are caring for a parent who is frustrated and lashing out. 

Someone suggested that we should prepare a manual of instructions for our children to guide them when they become our caregivers.  My first thought was, when did anyone ever learn from someone else’s mistakes?

In my own experience my mother was my model.  I watched her care for her own mother and her aunt and I drew from that when it came time to care for her. 

After my grandfather’s death my mother moved my grandmother closer to us so she could care for her.  She made sure my grandmother found a church home where she could establish new friendships.  Mom would drive my grandmother and her lady friends around taking them to lunch or any activities they might enjoy.  She did everything she could to make my grandmother’s life easier. 

Together they started a program at a local nursing home.  Each Wednesday my mother and grandmother would go to the nursing home and perform a music program.  My grandmother played the piano and my mother led them all in a sing-along.  They made sure to include songs from the resident’s youth not just hymns.  After the program they would serve cookies and punch.

When my twins were born they became regulars at the nursing home.  They spent the first five years of their lives attending the Wednesday program.  The residents enjoyed watching them as they grew from infants to wobbly toddlers then to pre-schoolers.  The girls loved passing out the cookies when they were old enough and they enjoyed just sitting and holding hands with the residents as they sang along to the music. 

As my mother aged and became in need for more care my daughters were there helping me care for her.  One daughter cleaned her house each week and the other was her personal attendant.  I remember hearing my daughter talking so sweetly to her grandmother as she helped her into a shower.  They talked about all the times her grandmother had bathed her as a child.  It was so sweet to hear them sharing memories.  Then Jamie would fuss over her grandmother sprinkling powder on her and telling her she smelled just like “Grandma”!

My children and I were so lucky to have such a great role model.  My mother definitely taught us the joy that comes from caring for someone you love.   Her example was better than any manual she could have written.  I'm very confident that I will be in capable hands one day.

Loves me, loves me not!

When I married the first time at the ripe old age of twenty I was sure it would last forever.  He was my first love.  We had saved ourselves for marriage and it brought sweetness to our union.  Our baby daughters were born eighteen months later and though we didn’t have two nickels to rub together we were happy.  Unfortunately what I thought would be forever only turned about to be seven years.  So at the ripe old age of twenty-seven I was a divorcee with two young daughters. Not exactly the life I had originally planned.

None of this is new information since I’ve written about it many times.  During the 40 years that I was alone there were times I wished for a relationship but after living through the infidelity that occurred in my first marriage I had trust issues.  My biggest wish was to have someone in my life that loved me the way my father loved my mother but I never in a million years thought I’d ever marry again. 

WOW, just when we think we have our lives planned out something comes along to remind you that you aren’t in control at all. 

Today, I wake up each morning and I marvel at the fact that this loving human being beside me is my husband.  Every morning he kisses me on the top of my head and tells me I’m pretty……. Me…..with my rooster bed hair and age spots peering back at him over the top of my bifocals.   What a miracle….to have someone change your life completely. 

I’ve experienced young love and I’ve experienced mature love.  One isn’t better than the other it is just different.   Young love requires much affirmation.  At that age we had not learned to communicate.  We weren't even aware that our brains were wired differently.  I would ask "What are you thinking?" and he would reply "Nothing".  I couldn't believe that he could be thinking about nothing because my brain isn't wired that way.  He HAD to be thinking about something and I was sure it wasn't something good and on it goes.  It was youth and inexperience that sealed our fate.


Of the two types of love I can say that at this time in my life we don’t have time for the petty stuff.  We just appreciate holding hands and being together.  The hard stuff is over…..our children are raised and we are nearing the end of our working lives.  We have all the time in the world for one another.  We don’t sweat the small stuff and we’ve experienced just enough heartache to be grateful for what we have.  I believe him when he says he isn't thinking about anything.  (I get it now)  I now know that there are a million ways a man can tell you he loves you without uttering a word.
1.  When he locks the door on his way out of the house.  (he's protecting me)
2.  When he makes sure that he is on the outside as you walk down the street. (he's protecting me)
3.  When he does chores around the house without being asked. (This is huge to any woman)
4.  When he scrapes the window of my car or fills it with gas so I don't have to get out in the cold.
5.  Every time he opens a door for me.

All these things make me feel valued and loved.  If young men just knew that they would have very happy wives and very happy lives!

My blood sugar had begun to go up and I wasn't watching the carbs like I should.  So I decided to take tips from the Atkins diet and really get serious about my eating.  In two weeks I have really seen a huge difference in my glucose readings.  I'm staying around 108 - 111 fasting and after meals.  This morning was a little higher than usual at 134.....but that is the first reading over 111 in two weeks.  I also weighed and had lost 10 pounds which I consider a bonus.  It stands to reason that if you eat right and limit carbs you will lose weight.  But that isn't my main focus.....I'd like to get off diabetes medication and losing weight and eating right may just get me there.

Since I'm watching my carb intake Ron is too by association.....he's trying to help me.  He also wants to lose weight so I'm hoping he will see the scale move in the direction he wants.  It always makes him giddy when he loses weight. 

I've been dealing with back issues for awhile now and it only seems to be getting worse.  I finally got a diagnosis and it is  grade 1 L5-S1 aterolisthesis and facet arthopathy and Illeopsoas bursitis and greater trochanteric in my hip. From what I've read this is a slipping of the L5 vertebrae over the S1 by 25% or less.  I believe it slides forward.  All I know is it causes a lot of pain and hurts when I walk or sit in my office chair and it just never goes away.  I'm considering spinal shots (which is the least invasive treatment) to see if it will do anything to stop the pain.  If it gets any worse the last treatment option is spinal fusion.  I just don't want to do anything like that unless there is no other option.....

Between new super bugs and the idiots in Washington I've been really depressed.  I have never felt so helpless about things I have no control over.  I am not a gloom and doom person but it is really hard to remain optimistic about the future.  Is anyone else having these kind of feelings?

hanging on............

Well we have made it to the middle of the week.  This month is full of evening meetings and early morning meetings and is a true endurance test for me.  I wish I had the energy of say a 50 year old...but as a friend reminded me this morning   TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE; SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

I received a notice yesterday that our property taxes are going up and so is the homeowner's insurance.  This is the second year in a row they have both increased.  Paychecks decreasing and costs increasing creates a very stressful time for Americans.  

My son-in-law works for the government and he is being furloughed one day a week resulting in a 20% decrease in their income.  Since I supplement my brother's disability income I'm constantly watching what is happening with Social Security.  (like many other seniors)
I get so frustrated with our elected officials....it doesn't appear that anyone is really looking out for the average American.  They are too busy protecting special interest groups and the wealthy.  I can only hope and pray that we will see improvement somewhere down the road.

Oh my gosh, I only have to go back to November, 2010 and read my posts following my brother's psychotic episode to realize just how far we have come in 2 1/2 years.  I'm amazed that I survived the death of my mother, Ron's cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgeries followed by Mike's psychotic break.  I've been so close to all of it that sometimes I can't even see the progress we have made.  

In 2 1/2 years I have learned to live with cancer.....that was huge.  I wasn't living before I was just surviving from one CT scan to the next.  That is no longer true.  I can't say that I wouldn't flip out if we received bad news but I no longer anticipate bad news.  Don't know if that makes any sense or not.

My brother has traveled a million miles since his hospitalization in 2010.  He isn't the same person he was before the psychotic episode but in many ways he is better than before.  His every thought isn't dictated by delusional thinking.  He is a sweeter version of himself.  We are still adjusting to the brain damage he suffered but we can work around his loss of short-term memory and other cognitive challenges.

My entire life I have had a need to take care of other people.  I think it began with my mother and her struggle with depression.  I thought that somehow I could make her happy if I tried hard enough.  My father also had a need to be the caretaker, the rock, the one everyone depended upon.  I used to wonder where that need came from but unfortunately never had the opportunity to ask.  

But the truth of the matter is that taking care of others isn't really an unselfish act of giving it fills my own need, whatever that may be.  I truly am the happiest when someone needs me.  I just don't want my need met at the expense of others.  It's rather selfish on my part I suppose.

Avodah sheba-Lev "'You shall serve God with your whole heart.'

We were fortunate enough to have Dr. Norman Stillman  the Judaic Studies Program Director at the University of Oklahoma speak at our Deacon's breakfast yesterday.  He is an internationally recognized authority on the history and culture of the Islamic world and Sephardi and Oriental Jewry. Prof. Stillman received his Ph.D. in Oriental Studies from the University of Pennsylvania and was a post-doctoral fellow at the Jewish Theological Seminary. He is the author of seven books and has published numerous articles in several languages. He is currently writing a book on the Jews of North Africa for University of California Press and is the executive editor of Brill’s forthcoming 5-volume Encyclopedia of Jews in the Muslim World and was for ten years the editor of the AJS Review, the journal of the Association for Jewish Studies. 

Dr. Stillman spoke about prayer in the Jewish religion.  He stated that according to the Talmud, prayer is a Biblical commandment and the Talmud gives two reasons why there are three basic prayers: to recall the daily sacrifices at the Temple in Jerusalem, and/or because each of the Patriarchs instituted one prayer: Abraham the morning, Isaac the afternoon and Jacob the evening. A distinction is made between individual prayer and communal prayer, which requires a quorum known as a minyan, with communal prayer being preferable as it permits the inclusion of prayers that otherwise must be omitted.

I was surprised to learn that there are only three basic prayers but there are a multitude of additional prayers and blessings.  It was a very interesting discussion. 

The idea is to keep God ever present in your daily life.  To be mindful of him in all that we do.  Prayer is the way to do that.

We are so fortunate to have a strong connection to the University of Oklahoma and our church has been able to attract such scholars to share their knowledge.


The more I learn it becomes apparent (at least to me) that many religions have more similarities than differences.  

This was a weekend of birthdays.  I took a birthday cake and ice cream to my niece.  She was having her daughters for the weekend and I thought they could celebrate together.

We had a birthday lunch with Ron's oldest friend.  A lonely ole bachelor that I'm forever trying to fix up!  
 
Then we had a birthday dinner with my daughters and their husbands.  It was my son-in-law's birthday.   It was a very busy weekend.