It's amazing just how sneaky grief can be. I go through the day feeling OK with only an occasional reminder of the loss I have just experienced. When I see the mother's day card display at Walmart or pass the spring flowers outside and wonder who will teach me the names of all the flowers in my yard or who will give me starts of ground covers that never seem to grow when planted by me. But in the daylight these moments are swift and fleeting but when it is dark outside, and I put my head on my pillow, the ember inside me ignites and the grief burns like a bon fire. I spend the first few hours remembering every detail of those last days. I begin to question every decision I made wondering if I had done something else would I still have her with me now. I know all of this is normal and I know that it will pass in time but part of me is afraid that when the grief subsides so will my memories of her begin to dim as well. I don't want to forget anything.

Long Day Ahead

This is going to be a long day today...I feel it in my bones...my brain is mush! I'm still struggling at night to sleep so it leaves me rather foggle headed during the day. This weekend I hope to get some yard work done as it is looking a bit neglected. I need to buy some flowers for the window boxes and I'm considering trying my hand at creating a cobble stone pathway. But still pondering the idea. Either way I'm looking forward to the weekend and hopefully will accomplish a task or two.

Counting the Days

I find myself counting the days since my mother's death. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks and I find that hard to believe. I keep reliving the whole 58 days that she was sick and of course, as we humans often do, I question every decision I made. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. These are the questions I wake up at 2:00 a.m. and start asking. My brain is rational but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet. When I find myself doubting things I have to stop and be still for a moment. All I have to do is remember all the gifts I was given and the time we had to say good-bye. That gift is not to be taken for granted or ignored. I know without a doubt that my mother was at peace and so I must also find that peace as well. I know it will come in time. Of this I am certain. When I'm feeling sad I like to remember the day that we were teasing mother by telling her it was OK now to tell which of us was her favorite. In the past she would just shush us or refuse to answer but this time she responded. She thoughtfully replied, "The one who needed me most at the time." Now when I'm sad and awake in the middle of the night that memory comforts me. I feel her around me because she knows I need her.

Friendship

Different people have different definitions of friendship. For some, it is the trust in an individual that he / she won't hurt you. For others, it is unconditional love. There are some who feel that friendship is companionship. People form definitions based on the kind of experiences they have had. They say a person who has found a faithful friend has found a priceless treasure. I found just such a treasure in the summer of 1957. That was the summer Karma Ann Hulslander moved on the block. I don't remember meeting her, it's as if one day she just appeared and became my best friend. Karma was the original Pippy Longstocking. She moved to Oklahoma with her mom, sister Arta and baby brother Kenny. Her dad, Leonard, remained in Colorado to run their ranch. Karma's mother had a dream of becoming a doctor so she and the kids moved here so she could attend the University of Oklahoma. Mrs. Hulslander was about 4 feet 11 inches tall and she was as round as she was tall. Both Karma and Arta towered over their mother and baby Kenny wasn't far behind.

Karma was the first tomboy I ever knew. She wore boy’s jeans and cowboy boots, that is when she bothered to wear shoes at all. Her brown hair was long and worn in a ponytail and her face was covered in brownish red freckles. She was like a magnet and I was drawn to her instantly. Karma had an unending imagination and being with her was always a new adventure. She was the Lone Ranger and I was her faithful companion Tonto.

Karma and I could not have been more different. She was fiercely independent, could hold her own with any boy and was what daddy referred too as “tough as a boot”. I on the other hand was a timid, insecure, sissy girl. I wanted to be brave and daring but it just wasn’t in my nature. I was a peacemaker at heart and avoided confrontation at any cost. Just being with Karma made me believe I too could be brave and daring even if it was only wishful thinking.

To earn spending money Karma collected pop bottles. She received 2 cents a bottle and would go all over the university campus picking up bottles and trading them in for money to purchase little wooden animals from Dee's gift shop. Karma would have rather played with those little animals than any old doll. One Christmas, her dad built her a doll house, complete with electric lights but it was never used to house a Barbie or any other doll for that matter. Karma's prized animals were the happy homeowners.

One summer, Karma's dad built a playhouse in their back yard but Karma insisted it was not a playhouse but rather a ranch. No matter what name it was given it was a really great place to play. We made dishes from mud and even had running water after Karma found an old enema bag and hung it from the chimney of the barbecue grill. One night we decided to play hide n' seek and the ranch house was home base. Everyone took off to hide as my brother Mike climbed up into Hulslander's attic. He probably would never have been found if he hadn't fallen through their living room ceiling. Mr. Hulslander was sitting in the living room reading just as Mike's legs came crashing through the ceiling. There he was, dangling above Mr. Hulslander's head and no surprise, the game was over.

Karma's mom never got accepted to Medical school. In the 50's it was very hard for women to get admitted plus she was older than most of the other students and considered a bad risk. She did go on to pharmacy school and after her graduation the whole family moved back to Colorado. Karma would come back in the summers to visit, riding the bus from Colorado to Oklahoma all by herself. One summer, when I was 12 years old I went back to Colorado with her. To this day I can't believe my mother let me go. She never would have if I had been with anyone other than resourceful Karma. She was a wise old soul in a 12 year-old body who made us all wish to be Peter Pan and remain children forever.

Dangling the Bait

This is a story told by my father over the years much to my mother's protests. My mother retold the story while she was in the hospital to some of the little nurse's aides.

My father's version of the story went like this. When my parents were young and a few years before they were married they went down to the old swimming hole to swim. According to my father the water was CRYSTAL CLEAR! My dad said he had climbed some rocks and was about to dive into the water when he saw my mother (out in the pond) waving her bathing suit over her head. Unfortunately for him......she had gotten back into her suit before he could swim out to her. Now the only difference in the story according to my mother was that the water was very muddy....and my father was on a cliff about 100 yards away... Somehow that cliff got higher and farther and the water dirtier as the years passed and the story was retold.

Now when my mother was in the hospital just before she went home on hospice she told the same story to the aides only this time she didn't mention the hazy water or how far away my father was. One of the aides asked her if that was how she got her man. My mother's response caught me by surprise....She said, "I didn't get him by taking off my suit...I got him by getting it back on before he could get to me. I said, "Well, wasn't that a little risky on your part?" She responded,"No, I already knew how fast he could swim."

Back To Work

I'm back to work but my head is a little fuzzy. It is hard to concentrate and I have so much to do to catch up. Like everything else in life we just take each moment at is comes.

My mother's memorial service was held last Friday and it was beautiful. I gave the eulogy and it was an honor to do so. I was very nervous and only broke down once but somehow managed to regain my composure. Our minister captured in her words my mother's beautiful spirit and gave comfort to my entire family.

Life is precious so don't waste a moment of it.

The way I remember my mother when I was a little girl!