Our Glamour Girl:)

Easter

I've been thinking about the words I want to say in my mother's eulogy and a thousand memories flood my head. One of my favorite memories is of my mother singing to me when I was a little girl. The only song I ever wanted to hear was Silent Night. So no matter what time of year it was or if it was 100 degrees outside the lullaby she sang to me was Silent Night. She and I talked about my favorite song choice a few days ago and I sang Silent Night to her while she sang along. It was a special moment. On Thursday evening before she died my niece Gena was talking to her grandmother and said, "Grandma, you are going to be my angel and I want you do something to let me know you are there." My mother smiled and replied, "I'll sing" amd Gena answered "I'll hear you." I was so moved listening to them.

Yesterday I took my brother shopping to find him clothes to wear for Easter and to my mother's memorial service. This morning Ron and I picked him up to go to the sunrise service at church. He looked so nice in his new jacket and yellow shirt. I told him how proud mother was of him. (Mike is usually dressed in baggy jeans with a shirt that doesn't quite cover his stomach) Mother was always telling him to pull down his shirt! We were the first ones to arrive at the church and as our minister was setting up for the service in the atrium she put a ceramic angel on the alter. She said she brought it to be our angel for the service and as she held it she noticed a winding key on the bottom and a tag that said China. She wound the key and the little angel started playing "Silent Night". The reverend said "Oh, Silent Night on Easter Sunday," I literally stopped breathing for a moment and then the tears just started falling. My mother was singing to me again and I heard her song loud and clear. I don't believe in coincidence....you just don't hear Silent Night at church on Easter Sunday. This was the church I grew up in hearing my mother's sweet voice in the choir. I heard it again this morning, loud and clear just when I had thought I had experienced the most spiritual experience of my life she shared with me just one more. She let me know with no uncertainty that death is only the beginning not the end!

At Peace

My mother passed away this morning at 10:10 a.m. I began giving her morphine every 15 minutes at about 12:00 a.m. It was hard to watch her struggle but it reminded me of just how precious life is and how hard it can be to leave it behind. We realized that we were about to run out of morphine at 9:00 and so I asked Ron to take my brother and go pick up the prescription that Hospice had called in to the pharmacy. It occurred to me that perhaps my mother was having difficulty because Mike was in the house and she didn't want him to see her die. After they left I climbed up in the bed with her and held her and whispered to her that Mike was with Ron and that it was OK to go. I promised I'd look after him and then she took one final gasp of life and she was gone. I have never had such a spiritual experience in my life nor felt so priviledged. The Hospice nurse said, "She chose you." I never thought about a person choosing who to be with when they died. Her words touched me deeply. I was so proud of Mike. He was very strong and is doing remarkably well. I have to write her obituary tonight and then I will begin writing her euology. We are planning to have a memorial service here at the Presbyterian Church and then we will take her ashes to Poteau to put with my father's ashes. I'm so tired tonight but I'm very much at peace because I know where she is and I know that we did the very best we could to make her passing as peaceful as possible.

I continued the morphine through the night last night and all day today. Mom has been awake off an on today but only for brief periods. Each time she recognized us and even said a few I love you's! So far she appears to be comfortable and looks very peaceful. The hospice nurse said she believes she will pass away sometime this evening but I believe for some reason it will be tomorrow. I've had the feeling for some time that she would pass away on good Friday. I'm at ease with everything that is happening and I have overcome my fear. I think I was afraid that when things got bad I wouldn't be able to do what needed to be done. But so far I've handled everything just fine and am so glad I've been able to be the one to care for my mother when she needs me the most. Last night I put my face close to hers and told her how glad I am that she was my mother. She reached up and touched my cheek and whispered "Thank you for being my sweet girl". What more could I ever ask of her. God has blessed me so much and made these last days so special. He is with her now and I truly believe he will take her softly from this life. She will go gently into the night. I haven't slept since sometime Tuesday but for some reason I'm not tired. I just want to stay here beside her until she takes her last breath in this life. I feel honored to be with her now. This is the mother who cut out paper dolls with me and taught me how to be a mother. She gave me life and I am honored to be with her now when she parts this world and goes to be with her heavenly father. I know her hand will be the first I hold when it is my time to join her.

Yesterday was a good day for my mother. Her great grand daughters came to see her as well as many other friends and relatives. She seemed to enjoy seeing everyone. By 7:00 pm her kidneys shut down and she has had no urinary output since that time. Hospice has said that the process has begun and I began giving her morphine at 3:45 this afternoon. She will receive it every 4 hours until her breathing becomes rapid and then we can give it every 15 minutes. So far she hasn't slept but she doesn't seem to be in too much discomfort. She is having cramping but that is about the only discomfort she appears to have. Our minister was here this afternoon and my brothers and I received communion along with my mother. It was very special especially now during the week of Easter. I realize that she may linger a few more days or it could be sooner but I'm hoping she slips away without pain. Keep her in your prayers!

My mother was released to go home on hospice last Thursday. I've been here at her house ever since. She seems to be resting comfortably, free of pain, and still able to talk to all of us and we have been sharing stories of our lives together. She is at peace with everything that is happening. She is unable to eat or take meds. She is barely taking any water at this time either. Everything she swallows just comes back up. It has been difficult to switch my mind from treating to just keeping her comfortable but that his the hospice philosophy and I understand that treating her will not change the ultimate outcome. We have been so fortunate that she is not suffering. She told me this morning that she is tired. Soon we will need to tell her it is OK to go but I don't think we are there yet. Hospice believes she may pass away this week or the next. Her body will not last long without nourishment or medications. This morning the chaplain was here and he sang to her. I heard her sweet voice singing along, How Great Thou Art, and Amazing Grace. My mother still has a beautiful voice and it sounded so sweet as they sang together. I could always pick out her voice in the choir at church when I was a little girl. Of course I thought she had the most beautiful voice of all. I am trying to memorize every word she says to me now. She told me she feels our love and I assured her that we feel hers as well. So many friends and family have been here to see her and tell her how much she has meant to them. My niece came from Muskogee yesterday and while she was here she was looking through a photograph album. In the album she found pages and pages written by my mother documenting the story of her life. None of us even knew that she had written this. I sat in her room last night and read it to my mother. She just smiled hearing her own words telling the story of her life as a child, a young mother and grandmother. It was very special and such a treasure for all of us to keep. I'm going to type it up later and make sure everyone gets a copy. Mother is sleeping now and I think I will get some rest myself. Please keep her in your prayers even though you may have never met. She is the sweetest, kindest, most unselfish woman I have ever known and to know her is to love her.

Preparing to Die

After my meeting last night I went to the hospital and sat with my mom for about 3 hours. We had a good visit. I don't think she really understands the ramifications of not placing the feeding tube but I think she is just very afraid of anything invasive. That's OK with me. I was so nervous about the whole thing and kept wondering if it was the right decision or not but with such mixed opinions from the doctors it was hard to make a decision. My mom was very tearful last night and seemed to want to talk. She kept telling me how much she loved me and all her children. For the first time that I can remember she talked about how much she misses my father and her own mother. I asked her if she was afraid of death and she answered, "I think I am". We talked a long time about death and I shared with her my thoughts. I said I believe God was with us when we entered this world and I believe he will be with us when it is time to leave. My belief that this isn't all there is and that we will be with our loved ones again comforts me as well. I reminded her of what she told me when I was pregnant with my twins. I had expressed my nervousness about the actual delivery and pain. She told me that nature had a way of preparing a woman for delivery and that after 9 months I would be so ready I wouldn't think about the pain. She also told me that once I held those babies in my arms I would forget about the pain. I said maybe death is the same way. Maybe nature prepares us for the end and we realize we are tired and ready to rest. Maybe when we see the face of God we forget about the pain of leaving.