Monday, September 10, 2012

CT Time Again

It's that time again.  Ron is having his CT scan this morning and we get the results Wednesday.  We were talking last night and Ron said it feels like one of those serial movies when we were kids.  "Last time, we learned that Ron might need lung surgery." " Does surgery loom in our hero's future or will the doctor's be wrong?  Come back next month to find out what lies ahead."

I just hate this......I've gotten so adept at putting it out of my mind for 90 days that I have to gear up to get ready for it.  I never know what to expect.  Three months ago they had us prepared to remove his remaining kidney and go on dialysis for the remainder of his life.  Yet, after the last scan they said, nah, it's not a problem.  But.........the spots on his lung are growing and need to come out.  

I never know WHAT to expect anymore.  Just before we meet with the doctor I start getting sick at my stomach and my hands start sweating.  I start that nervous chattering and start talking way too fast.  Ron can see it coming a mile away.  He knows I'll be climbing the wall by the time Dr. C. gets in the room.  But the minute she steps into the room I go stone silent, scared to breathe, just waiting for the floor to fall out from under me.  I can never read her face but I know the minute she speaks.  Her soft voice will either have a happy sound of excitement, like she can't wait to give us a bit of good news, or it will be very soft and almost hushed.  That's when she has bad news to share.

Ron and I were talking this morning and we both agreed that fear of the inevitable isn't the greatest fear.  We will all face the inevitable some day.  It is fear of the journey and for some of us it begins the minute we realize we are aging and our bodies are not cooperating the way they once did.  The biggest fear is loss of independence.  For some it is the fear of pain at the final hour.  Ron's dad died of colon cancer and when given the news of his impending death he said, "I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be in pain."  The doctor assured him, "I'll put you on the moon before I allow you to suffer."  That seemed to be all the assurance his father needed.  He lived another 11 months fairly comfortably and died quietly in his sleep.  It was never necessary for his doctor to put him on the moon.  I think Ron's dad was able to enjoy the time he had left because his doctor had addressed his fear and gave him peace of mind. 

So, here we go again.  I continue to pray for strength to handle whatever comes!


MerCyn said...

Good luck and praying for good things for you.

Betty said...

Thinking about you and Ron. Hope everything turns out ok.

kenju said...

I am hoping for the best news.