Tuesday, June 19, 2012

If I had known I'd be playing psychiatrist I wouldn't have majored in journalism

When you are knee deep in care giving you don't have time to question why me or even ask if you are doing a good job or not.  You just do what you have to do because who else is going to do it?  Of course that's not the only reason  We do it out of love and a big factor is that simply as a human being we want to ease suffering.  All of that said we also get tired and weary.  That's how I felt yesterday....just plain weary.  But like my brother, after a good night's sleep I'm up and ready to keep going.  

I ask myself at times how much do I have in me?  My niece is bipolar and schizophrenic (very much like my brother).  She has basically been homeless for the past 6 months.  She is currently living with a friend in Kansas and has recently started working part-time.  She wrote to me today and wants to come back here where her two daughters are living.  She wants me to ask my daughter if she can live with her for 3 months.  As bad as it makes me feel I had to tell her no.  Her parents don't want to take her in either (which I'm not sure I understand completely but that's not for me to judge).  Part of me wants to help her but I don't think I have anything left in reserve.  I just can't take care of two mentally ill people.   I still have a new marriage and I want some time with my husband.  Time I cannot afford to waste.

So, here I am, caught between my limitations and my desire to ease suffering.  If I could fix all the problems and hurts in the world I would do it in a heartbeat.  Unfortunately I do not have that power.


Muffy's Marks said...

Now, I'm going to sound like your mother. You can't fix a thing if you don't take care of yourself first. No is not a bad word, you just can't do it all. If you keep trying, you'll be taking a tic-tac container full of pills too. Please, Mike is enough to take care of. Taking some time for yourself is NOT selfish, you're only keeping yourself healthy. Prayers that all works out.

oklhdan said...

Thanks Muffy......You are right but it is so hard to shake the guilt when I can't help. I know that I have to start taking care of myself. This is the 6th case of bronchitis since December and I just can't seem to shake it. I think my immune system is just shot. My body is trying to tell me something for sure.

Olga said...

Knowing your limitations and accepting them is part of self-care. I am sure it was hard to say no to your niece, but I am equally sure it was the right thing to do for yourself, for Mike and for Ron.