Monday, December 19, 2011

Suicide Threats

Unfortunately Mike had a rough weekend.  On Saturday night he called and told me he was going to commit suicide.  There was such a desperateness in his tone that it really scared me.  He said, "I can't do this anymore, I mean it, I'm going to kill myself."

I kept Mike on the phone while Ron drove over to get him.  When Ron got him to our house we sat up with him for several hours until the "as needed" medication had time to kick in.  Then Mike was able to sleep through the night at least from midnight to 8:00 am which was good.  Of course I didn't sleep worrying about what to do next.

Sunday morning was of course a whole new day.  We took Mike to church for the special Christmas service.  There was an orchestra and the choir and Christmas carrolls galore.  At one time Mike said, "I was moved by the Holy Spirit, but it made me dizzy."  

We then tried to bring him out to the hospital for the Christmas party but the minute we walked in he was overwhelmed by the number of people and said, "I can't do this."  So we immediately left the party and took him home.

Yesterday I talked to him about the suicide threat.  I told him I needed to tell him that I have decided that if he ever did such a thing I would not allow myself to feel guilty.  I cannot be with him every moment and that there is nothing I can do to prevent him from killing himself if he really wants to do it.  I would be heartbroken but I won't let myself feel guilty.  I also told him I hate that his is so unhappy and that his life is so difficult.  I told him it is his decision to live or not but that I would ask him to at least consider a nursing home so that I can have some peace of mind that he is safe.  That's about all I can do.  

I have had enough time to realize that having him in my home is only an option if there is absolutely nothing else we can do.  He has already taken over my life to a great extent but if he lived with me my life would be completely consumed.  Just as our parent's lives were consumed by his mental illness.  I just have to keep working on letting go of any feelings of guilt over things I cannot control.  I also have to remind myself that it is ok to be a little selfish and want a life for myself as well.


Mitzi said...

Keep repeating that last line to yourself when things get tough. You deserve a life too.
Hope you are able to have a Merry Christmas.

Olga said...

Very sad for your brother. You are 100% right, though. You can not live his life for him and you can not replace his feelings with better ones. His life is his and so is yours. God bless you all.

Muffy's Marks said...

I am so sorry for your situation. You are right, you can't be responsible for his life, only yours. You do so much already, and deserve to enjoy you own sunrises and sunsets. I hope you will have a peaceful Christmas.

MerCyn said...

You have to do what is best for you. Do your best for Mike and do not feel guilty. Enjoy the holiday season and count your blessings

Arkansas Patti said...

I have no idea how you deal on a day to day basis.
My heart bleeds for you both. The terror and dispair he must feel and the incredible burden you carry. I hope what you said registered with him. You need some relief.