Friday, December 31, 2010

Count your blessings instead of sheep!

Ok...I have to admit...this pace is catching up with me.  I'm extremely tired and that leaves me vulnerable to emotions.  Last night I thought I was on my last leg.  Mike had a fairly good day with a visit from his nurse.  She was testing his memory and asked him what he had for supper the night before.  He immediately looked at me and without thinking I prompted him.  Vivian noted...."Your sister's memory is great but let's test yours now."   Ooops 

It's apparent that Mike has suffered some kind of brain damage but to what extent is still unclear to me.  His memory (short term) is really fuzzy.  He insisted last night that today is not New Year's Eve because of leap year~!  Uhhhhh explain please.  He had some fumbled reason and then when I had him count the days and I said what is December 31st he couldn't tell me.  I asked what month comes next and he said February.   Sooo there are definitely some cognitive issues going on here.  He has absolutely no concept of finances or how much money he has. 

I always thought that his schizophrenia also caused him to be a little narcissistic.  He's always been demanding and will just wear you out with "get me this and get me that".  But now, he isn't so much as demanding as seemingly helpless.  He is barely ambulatory and his cane isn't really helping much.  Arthritis has just about ruined his knee and because his medicine has caused so much weight gain that is playing a huge impact on his mobility.  If he were to fall there would be no way I'd ever be able to get him up.

Last night I woke up about 3:00 a.m.  I was so anxious about Mike and Ron I couldn't sleep.  I realized that I really don't know how to pray.  I start questioning whether it is ok to pray for oneself or should it be only for others.  I'm afraid of being selfish.  I'm afraid to ask for anything for myself.  I'm afraid God will see through me to my real intention.  If I'm praying for a miracle for Ron will God really see that I'm selfishly asking for myself?  I don't want to lose Ron and I'm afraid.  I ask Him to help me be strong enough to accept His will.  "Thy will be done".  But I'm afraid to ask that His will be to let Ron live.  I have so much to learn!

Well, I have many errands to run today.  I'm trying to take care of medical paperwork for Mike and take down my Christmas tree sometime today before our weather turns to an Arctic blast.  Yesterday was 70 degrees....just beautiful.  But by this evening the temp. will be dropping drastically.  Good ole Oklahoma weather!


marciamayo said...

Dani, just say and think what's on your mind and what you need. God or the universe or your brain or your heart or mother nature (or maybe all of the above) will hear your needs and will help you sort it out.

Arkansas Patti said...

I agree with marcia. I don't believe there are selfish prayers unless you are praying for a Caddilac.
Just pray for what you need, be it personal strength, Mike's peace of mind or Ron's health.
I'll throw mine on the pile also.
By the way, I like that nurse and it seems Mike does also.
Lets hope 2011 treats you a little more gently.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the end of your rope, to which you have been hanging on for quite awhile now, is fraying.
You're entitled to cry and/or get angry at all that has been thrown your way.
I'm amazed by your strength.
If it were me, I'd just tell the gods to stop messing with me and give me a break.