Friday, May 29, 2009

Deal Breakers

Everyone has certain things that they consider to be deal breakers in a relationship. For some this might include infidelity, engaging in risky behaviors, alcohol or drug use, but whatever your deal breakers are you need to clearly define them. When we are young we get caught up in attraction rather than the things that really sustain a relationship. Not to mention that many women still think the ole (after we are married he will change)notion. That might have been OK when I was young but I don't have time to wait for someone else to "change". Not to mention it isn't likely to happen anyway.

As I have aged I have definitely honed in on what I consider my own personal deal breakers. However, what may be a deal breaker in a romantic relationship may be tolerable in a friendship. For instance, I could not live with someone who smokes but that won’t prohibit me from friendships with smokers. I could never live with someone who has bigoted opinions and prejudices however I have acquaintances and some friends whose views I may not agree with yet we remain friends by respecting each other’s right to our own set of beliefs.

When I was younger I hadn’t really formed any deal breakers maybe because I hadn’t lived long enough to strongly establish my own set of core values. I was still following the values of my parents and family, which for the most part make up the majority of my value system even today. I hadn’t experienced the challenge of being with someone whose value system was so different from my own. I know they say that opposites attract but that really depends on what is so different about the two of you. I find that I’m not as accepting of some differences as I would have imagined I’d be. When my more liberal views collided with the conservative views of a particular suitor I found myself less tolerant than I would have hoped. I have very liberal social views but I live rather conservatively. I am not homophobic, I do not believe that all people of color have a chip on their shoulder and those that do may just have a good reason. I believe in paying taxes and do so without complaint. I’m not afraid of change and I think women should have the right to choose what happens to their own bodies. Even if I would not personally choose abortion I believe in another’s woman’s right to make that choice for herself.

Another deal breaker for me is a person must have a strong work ethic. I believe in hard work and I believe that all work is admirable. A person doesn’t have to be a “professional” but needs to have a good attitude about an honest days labor. Laziness is a real deal breaker for me. Procrastination is another pill I have trouble swallowing. If there is a job to do I want to get on it and get it done. I admire those who are the same way.

So sometimes I ask myself if I am over-the-top in my expectations of others or have I become too set in my ways from living alone for so long. I have high expectations of myself so I find it almost impossible to settle for less from others. I don’t expect to be like- minded in all relationships but there are some fundamental values that I just can’t compromise.

What are your deal breakers?


kenju said...

After reading this I think it is safe to say we are identical in our beliefs. I think my absolute deal breakers would be child abuse and/or porn and drug addiction. I would be extremely upset with adultery, but I might be able to get through that and forgive. I doubt I'd ever forget.

oklhdan said...

Yes, I always thought adultery was a deal breaker until my husband had an affair. I was only 27 at the time and he left me for a "younger" woman. I didn't know there was anyone younger than me who was still legal. ha But I still wanted to save the marriage. I guess we don't really know what we will do until we are actually faced with the situation.

Tabor said...

Visited here from Kenju. Intersting post. I am in sync with much of what you say. A deal breaker for me is lack of loyalty.

Arkansas Patti said...

kenju sent me and I am glad she did. Think we might have been separated at birth.
My deal breaker is any kind of cruelty, either in word or deed. Focusing that cruelty on a child or animal really sets me off.
Great post.

Gilly said...

Yes, I was sent here by Kenju - and a good thing too! We think alike!

My deal breakers would be any kind of abuse, especially child abuse, pornography and being a male chauvinist pig!

John said...

Found your blog through Kenju's link...glad I did too. I like your way of thinking!

Great post, and having worked in the field I hope that everyone will add domestic violence to their deal breaker list! That involves many types of abuse, not just physical abuse (google it people).

Joy Des Jardins said...

Hi Oklhdan,

I came over from Kenju's blog. This is the first time I've been to your place, and I have to say....I really like the way you think. I definitely agree with your deal breakers; and I'll add a few more. Other deal breakers for me would be arrogance in any way...someone thinking they are better than another person. Cruelty is another....physical, mental or verbal...I guess that's abuse, and that's a BIG no-no. Someone who is manipulative....nothing but trouble there. Cold, unattached and secretive...I think that speaks for itself. And...someone who doesn't know the value of a dollar and spends too much and can't save.

Thanks olkhdan....I think I'll be back to visit.... ~Joy

joared said...

Lots of deal breakers I can agree with here. Trust is very important to me and when that is broken, well, that could precipitate the end of a relationship, just as lying would.

Found the link here at Kenju's blog.